blaugra

full of holiday spirit

I bring you this short story, in which Salty D. witnesses bingo night at the local social club going terribly awry.

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There are some pretty good jackpots at bingo night, and I have played a couple games there, I admit.  But last night, D. was just there to drink and, as he puts it, be entertained. 

Last night, during one of the high-pressure bingo rounds, a woman we call "Door Bitch" and a man we call "Door Bitch's Husband" - because, you see, Door Bitch is an unpleasant dumb woman who likes to pretend she is working the door and tries to exercise control over who comes in, when really, the clientele is not at all exclusive, and she's generally just an ugly buck-toothed bitch and her husband is no prize either - anyway, where was I?  Oh, so, in the middle of a tense game of bingo...

Bingo caller:    B 19 !

[everyone quietly dabs their bingo cards, including Door Bitch and Husband, when suddenly in the midst of the concentrated silence... ]

DB's Husband, yelling at wife:   F    Youuuuuuuuuuu!

DB:  What's wrong with you?!

Bingo caller:   O  69 !

DB's Husband:  I said fuck you, you fucking asshole whooooore!   I'm gonna kick your aaaaaaaaaassssssss!  [starts flailing his arms around]

DB puts her hands in front of her face to protect herself, and of course, she is wielding a bingo dabber.   Her husband staggers toward her and she uses the dabber to place a large blue dot on his forehead.

DB's Husband:  That's it!  I fuckin' leavinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng!

[He bounces off the Deer Hunting USA game and heads toward the door.   The club remains silent.] 

Bingo caller:   Huh.  Well.  [pulls the next number.  Game on.]  N 51  !

DB:   BINGO!!

So the buck-toothed door bitch gets harassed by her drunk husband in public, distracted from her bingo game, and she still wins 30 bucks.  But, she's gotta go home to him.

I can't even try to make this shit up. 

destroy all monsters

Today was not only Thanksgiving, but also a date that many a punk fan may toast. 

My warm and loving husband is actually going out now to the corner bar in observance of November 22, 1963 - "a shot rang out, not one, but three."  So - as a rabid Destroy All Monsters (and also a Dead Kennedys) fan - he's going out to drink 3 shots and smoke a Cuban cigar. 

what a girl needs

<<< I have this girly emergency resource kit at work, and inside, as you can see, is stuff like deoderant in case I forget to apply it at home (which happens more often than I'd like) and expired anti-anxiety drugs (which don't help because I reach for them and panic "Oh my GOD! They're EXPIRED!") and extra under-eye de-puffing concealer for those days when my favorite espresso bar is closed, et cetera.

So today I take my emergency resource kit to the loo and I'm looking for my Dinosaur dental flossers, and I'm picking through all the shit in my bag, and I find this:

What the fuck? 

You know, though, I might just need a flashing plastic mouth grill in a pinch, right? 

Yeah, and that bit on the package about "comfortable to wear?"  FALSEHOOD.

I'm just an old fashioned girl

I have lost my Amy Winehouse CD and I feel all empty inside. 

I know it's in my computer thingy now but I'm still not hooked up with an iPod and all the needed accessories.  More important, where did the original Amy go?  Did I drop her?  Did someone steal her?  Is she under my car seat, under the Dunkin'Donuts napkins and back issues of domino?

Instead I'm listening to The Puppini Sisters, very uplifting, sexy, fun.  Since I've been a Kate Bush fan for like 20 years, I think my favorite song on Betcha Bottom Dollar is Wuthering Heights.  Brings a smile to my face.  I played it at work today, during a hail storm, when I was all alone in the office faced with nothing but piles of files.  Thank God for the Puppini Sisters.

Last nite I watched The Queen.  If it weren't for Helen Mirren, it would have SUCKED BANGERS-N-ASS.  She was brilliant, and the film was tastefully done, and was provocative.  But it was like a dress where you can see the sloppily-sewn seams.  Y'know whot I mean?

Speaking of The Queen, I scored tickets today to see Queen Latifah in her new touring show.  I've always been a Maybelline mascara girl but I may have to switch in her honor. 

I got this book on the clearance table and so far it's uproarious fun.  The cover line "by the co-writer of the movie Legally Blonde" made me part with my five dollars.  If you want to read it let me know, I'll send it to you.  And don't forget to check out my summer reading list (in the sidebar).  I have to admit, I've been sidetracked by Lindsay's shenanigans again and have been reading a lot of Elle and InTouch instead of my pile of books. 

I learned from a friend about a fun new restaurant in the East Village that only serves mac-n-cheese: S'MAC.  Now I want to go there.

I'm obsessed with one of my birthday gifts, this fancy lucite pendant.  First, I <heart> lucite jewelry.   And #2, it's big and minimalist yet kind of sparkly, just like me.

And, I'm very very sad about the coal mine disaster in Utah.  But because I admit to being sick and somewhat shallow, I can't seem to get this Bee Gees song out of my head:  New York Mining Disaster 1941.

Have I proven to you that I'm always a day late and a dollar short with all the latest trends? 

Well, we're headed to The Dirty Jersey tomorrow for a Harley party and then a backyard bar-b-que. 

Hot damn!  Another weekend where I won't have time to clean!

and I'm not a goth kid

So, I saw my hair stylist Jewel-Lee last week, and now I feel like I look exactly like this:

I'm a bad blogger.

I have nothing to say about the presidential candidate debates or geology or finance or anything really important.  But I am a bad girl because my most recent post was freakin'  last Friday.  Geez!  I could at least give you something, ANYTHING!

Here's something, anything:

• I'm reading books again!!  Check out the sidebar <<<<<<< for what I hope will be the growing list of books-I-read-this-summer.  It's going to be my little measuring stick to grow on.  Like library summer reading clubs for 4th graders. 
• There have been lots of stories locally about sick or dying kids.  They all make my brow furrow.  But this one about a girl graduating from my old school made me cry.   It's like a Lifetime movie.
• I'm going to use my local public transit system for the first time EVER tomorrow.  This kind of commute requires more planning and a different mindset.  I mean, I even have to rethink my bag and shoe wardrobe!  Change is never easy.  We'll see if I can actually do it.
• If you click on this, you can make the band Five for Fighting give money to Autism Speaks.   
• I have two friends who are moving at the same time - one from Pennsylvania to the midwest, and one from Wisconsin to England.  So, good luck girls!  Packing up your life is a pain in the arse but a fresh start sounds so appealing.

Salty D. told me that I recently crossed over to the dark side, so perhaps I'm doing something here to make up for that.  I just hope I don't turn into some crunchy hippie whose hair is unwashed and feet smell... ooops.  I'm almost there.  I'll have to fix that.

new life!

I have a new nephew...  Baby Caleb! 

Yay!  Been dyin' to meet you! 

p.s. the babydaddy provided pics of him less-than-1-day-old!

here we go

When I told my dad the other day I was going to go to a NY Rangers game, this conversation followed:

Dad:   You like hockey?

Me:   Yeah.   Much more than football.

Dad:  You don't like football?!  Oh, don't let your husband hear you say that!

Me:  Why?  Do I have to like what he likes?

Dad:  Do you understand hockey?

Me:  Yes.

Dad: Really?

Me:  Dad, it's like lacrosse but on ice.  You get the puck into the goal and sometimes you fight.

Dad:  Not quite. Do you know what the blue line means?

Me:  What blue line?  Oh for godssakes stop quizzing me!  I'll get there, and I'll find out what the hell is going on, and it will be fun and cool because it's at the Garden!

Dad:  Ha ha ha ha

Meanwhile, I had no idea what was going on, but once in a while I would give Salty D. a look that meant, "tell me what just happened" and he would.   i.e. - "Now they're going to take a penalty shot because that guy was pushed as he was shooting"   "Oh.  Really?  Why is everyone so excited?"  "Because the Rangers will score, it's just one guy shooting at the goalie, unobstructed."   "Cool. Does this happen often?"  "No.  It does not." 

Before the game, we lunched at Gray's Papaya.  After the game, we ate steaks at Old Homestead.  Somewhere in between, we drank beers at some Irish Pub and also at Hogs & Heifers.  A good time was had by all.  Watch this.

newyeerrs reservations oops I mean resolutions

I'm so plastered, and I'm pissed off because I had resolved not to be drunk on this New Year's Eve.  But at one point this evening, I had in front of me a double vodka-tonic, a cup of Asti Spumante and a shot of Cuervo.  Then midnight happened and everyone hugged and kissed and I have no idea who half the people were.

My resolutions are as of now after this evening:

• No more fatty cheese like the triple-cream goodness I had tonite.
• Hang out with Lisa more.
• Stop buying celebrity gossip porn.
• Have a really big party with my neighbors in July.
• Accept the fact that I don't have to be at the advanced level of sudoku.
• Drink more champagne on a regular basis not just on new year's.
• Always start a new year with good underwear.
• Never wear a Philly Eagles dress.
• Smile when being photographed when drunk.

Happy freakin' new year my friends!

* The time limit on the photos that were posted here at 2 am on January 1st has been reached.  So sorry if you missed them.*   I also want you to know that I have already broken two of my resolutions.   But in my opinion, they were meant to be broken.   Except for the Eagles dress. 

champagne wishes and caviar dreams

Happy New Year! 

May you find yourself celebrating similarly.