blaugra

How I spent $696 on face shit: #Clarins

It was an evening like many, I was feeling like crap and shopping for scarves or some sale-priced accessory at a local department store, when I walked by the Clarins cosmetic counter.

"Would you like a facial? And a skin care analysis?" OK. Yes, I want an facial awkwardly administered behind a white curtain in the middle of a well-traveled aisle at the local department store.

I told the perky aesthetician/sales associate how I had been looking for new face cleansers and moisturizers anyway. Olay and Neutragena and health food store brands just weren't cutting it. My skin was changing.

They demonstrated like 12 different products on me (their line is huge,) my head was spinning. "See how this makes your hand wrinkles just disappear? That's what it'll do to your face!" So I have wrinkles now? Goddammit. My hands looked kind of the same.

I visited the Clarins counter a couple of times, and came away with quite a haul. Here are some of the products I tried so you don't have to. I'll give 5-second reviews of each.

Supposedly, Clarins is the #1 brand in Europe. I don't have any European friends anymore to ask if they use the products or not. Do you?

From the top: Extra Firming Day Cream ($84) This is one of the first products I used. Loved it more than drugstore brands at first, but as the year wore on I found it wasn't hydrating enough. I explained this to the counter staff but they insisted it was the right product for me. Hmmm.

At 1:00: Beauty Flash Balm ($46 at full size) This is a free sample size of the multi-purpose cream. Or balm. I get very confused by multi-purpose products. It gives the sensation of a tightening lift under your makeup. It feels great for a short time. Perfect if you had a late night. But it can also be used as a mask and washed off. I don't get it. But I liked it.

The little red pot: Instant Smooth ($35) Its purpose is to, duh, smooth out wrinkles, and it does. The effect lasts for about 10 minutes.  I just rubbed it on creasy spots over makeup because that's what counter lady told me to do, after demonstrating it on the back of my hand again. A makeup artist also advised to mix it with your foundation, so your whole face would be INSTANTLY smooth.

The crumpled tube: Gentle Foaming Cleanser ($23) This is definitely the best value of the bunch. This tube lasted 17 months. However, as time went on, my skin got drier from it. It's the Cottonseed.

At 4:00: Super Restorative Total Eye Concentrate ($83) I have a hard time sticking with an eye cream, and this is no exception. It's always like one more freaking step to getting out the door. I just can't. The cream is no big whoop, and definitely not worth that price tag.

At 6:00: Extra-Firming Night Cream ($90) Nice at first, because anything was probably better than what I had been using. There's a Clarins method to applying it, which I did. But I'm over it.

The big bottle: Cleansing Milk with Alpine Herbs ($31) Don't the Alpine Herbs intrigue you? The formula sounds so wholesome and refreshing. Don't fall for it. This is what the staff recommended to me when I said that crumpled up bottle with cottonseed stuff in it was drying. Frankly, I like Cetaphil from the CVS better.

The next bottle around: Instant Eye Make-up Remover ($28 for full size) This was a free sample, and I hated it. It's really oily, required lots of cotton pads, and stung my eyes.

At 10:00: BB Cream ($40) Well this was money well spent, yes?  No. It doesn't spread well, and you have to use a ton of it. I took a break from this cream and bought Lumene, again at CVS, which I like much better for its color shade and spreadability.

Finally: Double Serum ($80) This is the one product I miss. I may actually splurge again and buy more. Most serums focus on wrinkles and this one helps with moisture also. They sell it as full of plant extracts and high tech molecules or some shit. The other serum I've tried over the past two years was recommended by a Sephora skin care advisor, Caudalie Vinosource, less expensive than Clarins but it doesn't have that double barreled chamber. Anyway, I liked them both.

Not pictured:

I tried a couple of Clarins color cosmetics also because I just couldn't stop myself. The Jolie Rouge lipstick ($27) dry but has staying power and great colors.  Still, it was a novelty. But the Crayon Kohl Eye Pencil ($25)  is awesome. Smoky plum on one side, blending brush (not a sponge, which drags) on the other. I'd go for that again. I'd just eat more Ramen noodles at home.

Also, those bitches recommended neck cream. I was a bit offended. I've never used neck cream. I guess it shows. I got home, looked in the mirror and was all HOLY SHIT I NEED NECK CREAM!  But fuck it.

I totaled up all I spent on Clarins in the last two years. That's right, $696. That's two car payments. That's a season's worth of clothes. THAT IS RIDICULOUS.

Of that $696, the amount I spent on worthwhile products was $171. The rest went down the drain.

My new moisturizer, which I love, is Benefit Total Moisture. It comes in a cute jar and you don't have to use much and it'll last a good long time. It's really hydrating and smoothing. We'll see how long I love it before I have to change again.

Through it all, I realized that the purchase of high-end skin care was just clever marketing to make me feel ageless and pretty. I got it. I did it anyway. I know I'm buying promises. Some days, though, promises are enough to make you feel better.

And now I've come clean.

The Final Straw

You know how Samantha on Sex & The City said, when she was losing her hair to chemo, "My hair's my thing!"? That's the way I've felt about my hair. Not because of chemo, thank goodness, just about the hair. Sometimes it looks like shit, sometimes it's a huge 1984 mane, but, still, it's my thing. It's been permed, colored, short, long, multi-processed, ombre, blond, magenta, black, red, kind of pink, highlighted, wavy, straight, frizzed - always thick and fat, though. Naturally brown.

I've noticed over the past year, my hair getting frizzier and frizzier, and more hair falling out or breaking. Frizz-Ease wasn't helping, extra conditioning at home wasn't helping, oil on the ends wasn't helping. My hair had become really dry. I only wash it a couple of times a week, and I don't really straighten or curl it often, so I couldn't figure out why. I thought maybe it was just the dreaded aging process.

One day, I was mindlessly watching TV and flipped it to QVC where Chaz Dean (see, look at Chaz, how handsome...) was pushing Wen.  I watched the whole program of him demonstrating the conditioning creme that can be used as a shampoo replacement as well as extra conditioner. It came in many flavors. It cost $36. I loved how the models' hair was so silky and bouncy after just being dried with a round brush. I could do that. I want my hair like that. I ordered the Bamboo Green Tea.

I was really excited about the Wen, totally suckered in. I followed all the directions: bought a new round brush without any metal or heating elements, dried my hair with a t-shirt instead of a towel. Wen did nothing good. My hair was the same as with drugstore shampoo and conditioner. Total straw at this point. Sticking up everywhere like a Roseanne Roseanna-dana wig.

It was that time that I looked at the side effects sheet again for the Lithium I take. Lithium is a salt, and one of its side effects is dry skin and hair. Like, really dry hair. I've been on the drug for a while but some of the side effects come creeping up on you over time, I guess. I've noticed my skin drying out and just kept adding serum and moisturizer.

Relieved that there was a cause, I went to my hair stylist, crying. "I hate my hair! Help me! It's from medication!" My hair's my thing. She said, "OMG, it's SO dry. Like, everywhere, not just the ends. Cutting the ends will do nothing."  Good, because if this hair gets shorter the frizz is going to make me look like a Q-tip. She proceeded to gloss it and deep condition it and dry it in the way only salon professionals can. It looked great. No frizz. For the first time in a while I felt attractive.

This is what has been recommended to me, advice from the stylist and others:

• Coconut oil in the hair overnight, wash it out the next morning.
• Condition with something like Aussie 3-minute Miracle
• Spray on leave-in conditioner and/or pre-drying heat protect spray, I've recently used L'Oreal
• Dry hair with a round brush, no metal or ceramic around the barrel
• Use a finishing cream (I have a few of these in my bathroom, I never finished the containers. Even silicone-Frizz-Ease didn't help much. Meh.)
• If you use an oil product, do not use a flat iron or curling iron or you'll fry the hair.
• Do not use hair spray as it contains alcohol that dries. This is a hard habit to break (1984, remember?)

Today, before showering, I lubed up my hair with several tablespoons of Moroccan oil, which I don't really like, but I'm using up the bottle. Then I Wen'ed.

Today I test drove this Neutrogena product, Triple Repair cream, after towel drying.(I have no patience for using that t-shirt.)

Then, after drying my hair, I liberally applied this Garnier Fructis Marvelous oil, which I really like.  It's not super-heavy. I'm also carrying it in my purse to reapply throughout the day because the hair gets really dry by noon.

Aaaaaaaaand today is the first time, other than a salon visit, that my hair is not a complete disaster. I know it's just hair and anything could be worse, but when you feel really unpretty it just makes your self-esteem so much lower. I've seriously been embarrassed to go to meetings and tried to hide all the straw in a stick-like ponytail.

Now I just hope that my hair doesn't become an oily mess. It's feeling pretty heavy now.

Next I will do the coconut oil thing, and if that doesn't work, as a last resort, get a weekly deep conditioning and blow-out at the salon. My stylist has also recommended mini-keratin treatments.  Of course I don't want to spend extra money on salon treatments. But, it's hair. I'll give up something else.

Sex toy wizardry

I've never been the kind of person who talks about sex toys, except to giggle like a 14 year old. That's not gonna change here. 

I was handed a swag bag from Eden Fantasys. I get it home, thinking that TSA must have had a party at the airport, screening all these checked packing the same sex toys on the same day.

This one in particular caught my eye. Naturally, because it's purple and has some sparkle to it. 

Salty D. said, "Does it light up?  Does it twist? Does it make bell-ringing sounds?"  No, it's not a Fisher-Price toy!

Actually, I had all the same questions.

So I bought some batteries, loaded them up, and....nothing. Click. Nothing. Salty D. said, "You're just not loading it right!"  He tried. Click. Nothing. Cheap machines.

Now we'll never know.

"I got these big knockers"

I started a walk/run program with a friend. I'd call it Couch to 5K except I'm not following the program exactly yet. My friend has it downloaded to her iPod and I just follow her. 

My knees hurt already, but, I haven't keeled over yet so I think it's pretty successful after the first couple of outings. Of course, while we're running for those initial 30-second bursts, we say things to each other like, "I think I'm dying." and "C'mon, we're over 40. It's time to take back our bodies!"  

Also, we said, "My boobs are killing me!" 

I decided to go to a department store to pick up a sports bra.  What woman doesn't have at least an old sports bra in her dresser?  This woman.

So I'm in the store concentrating on the varied selection of uniboob causing contraptions, since it's been a long time since I've bought one, and another customer pushes into the same rack, and she said, "I'm sorry, but I have to get my daughter one of these."  

"That's OK..." I responded, like a doormat. Then I turned and came face to face with her daughter, a tween-aged girl who said, "Hi what's your name? What's your name?" 

"Um...hi. I'm Laura. What's yours?"

"Hi Laura look what I got today...games! Games! Games!  Laura, look!"  

Her mom hurriedly went through the sports bras looking for an extra-small size for her daughter. "Tiffany, you didn't tell her your name."  

"Laura guess what I did? I took a nap on that couch over there." 

I was uncomfortable.  Why?  The child seemed to have some kind of developmental disability, and was also being kind of a pain in the ass. The mom was breezing through the racks. But I felt awkward, just waiting for them to get done with their shopping so I could finish my search, and in the meantime, conversing with Tiffany.

I don't know why it bothered me. Especially since I used to work with an organization that provided services to people with all kinds of developmental disabilities, so I've been schooled. But I still didn't know how to be me around this mother and daughter, just some stilted version of myself.  I told myself to stop being a jerk. 

Then the mom turned around and said to me, "This is the BEST sports bra. Look, I got these big knockers and it's awesome for me." Wow, she really did have a big, tanned rack, I noticed.

She handed me this bra - Bali Active by Champion. 

My mood was instantly lifted by this helpful mom who clearly had her hands full. And who called her boobs "knockers."

The bra is awesome.

It's for charity.

What better way to escape from the tanking economy and the annoyingly prolonged presidential race than shopping?! 

Over the last week or so I have shopped  like a recent lottery winner.  Part of that is because I have discovered GoodShop and figured that shopping would be my new charitable activity.  Part of it is I have cleaned out my closets of old, outdated, ugly clothes and was left with not too much for the fall/winter.  I don't need much but I want good stuff that makes me happy.

Enter Target. 

On Saturday, I did the Walk against Domestic Violence, although I use the term "walk" very loosely because we did not walk, just played with kids and handed in some checks.  It was raining, and, Georgeann and I wanted to go to Target with the kid.  I admit I initiated the "You know what's evil?  I don't want to walk" discussion.

The jacket and dress selection at Target is at an all time high, and we were operating on limited time, so I just filled my cart with jackets and dresses without trying much on, and figured that I would do so at home and then return what I couldn't make work.  Little did I realize that my Red card would practically explode.  But, a portion of my purchases goes to a local school! 

Jonathan Saunders' collection is really appealing.  Dress - check. 

Teal corduroy trench coat for me, black and grey plaid satin trench for Georgeann.  Fabulous.

Then there's this one.  In the mirror, I looked like a very together person.  Could I pull it off?  It's on the "maybe" pile right now.

I'm loving all of these looks, sweater dresses and short jackets and leggings.  It's like the early 90s all over again, a very good time.

But then, oops, I was scoping out the home clearance section and there was a Sami Hayek bed thingie on clearance for $17.  Keeper.  I showed D. and he said, "What the hell is a coverlet?"  We needed a coverlet,  I said, to put on top of our fluffy comforter.  Besides, the original price was like $70.  Then, there was a deal on Mrs. Meyers cleaning stuff and I thought, wow, I need to clean.  Into the cart it went.

I topped off the spree with some junk food, my new favorite crunchies by Lesser Evil.  The black & white popcorn is amazing.

We had two full carts of stuff we didn't even realize we needed when we started the mission, and we pushed them to the mini-van with the kid hanging off one side.   A little parking lot incident wherein one of us was called "White trash!!" by a white trash looking skank was my next indication that I may have way too many Target bags coming home with me. 

the hotness

I know you look to me to bring the heat.  So, here's what I'm loving this week, in our post-Dalai Lama-local-scene: 

For my ever-lengthening tresses:  Ojon  "from the remote tropical rainforest..." yeah, whatever. My stylist Jewel-Lee recommended this cream, which is the shit but smells great, and I also found this dry cleanser spray stuff, perfect for me.  You definitely need a lot of fresh air around you when you spray it, but it helps you skip a day or two of washing, without looking like you've dumped baby powder on your scalp (yes, I have.)

For my Flintstone feet - Miracle Foot Repair Cream.  Just as I saw it on TV.  And now, just like on the packaging, I have a daisy growing between my toes.  I'm not being compensated for my endorsement.  Would be nice, though.

For my butt:  Kristin gave me a pair of turquoise undies as a goof, they have the logo for "America's Next Top Model" on the ass.  They're a size XL.  The irony is not lost on me. (actually is that irony?  Dear Alanis, is it ironic...?) I love them.

For my boca: 

I have convinced myself that eating these chips is the equivalent of eating salmon.  Tastier, too!

Also, BLUEBERRIES.  Can't stop eating them.  Good thing there's a Blueberry Festival this weekend.

For my hands:  A new-to-me source of writer's cramp,   Yelp!  Thanks, Tim!

For inspiration:  The roller derby has balls. It was totally nostalgic and fun.  I have to get non-smashable glasses and then I'm all over that.

For my brain: really, I mean that -  Project Runway NEW SEASON STARTS TONITE!! 

Salty D., I have reserved the remote!

crunch therapy

After a grueling day, nothing beats a long run in the park followed by a cleansing, relaxing hour of yoga, then returning to my beautiful clean house, feeling totally refreshed.

Yeah, right.

Sometimes nothing is better than crunchy salty chips to take the edge off.  Or to be British, crisps. I've stopped eating french fries and banana cream pies but I'll never ever give up the chips.  It was pretty easy to turn down banana cream pies.  Never liked them.

Weird dude with gellied hair plugs at health food store told me these chips were delish, and HE WAS RIGHT (at least about the chips.)

I'm eating them now, not even with any salsa or guacamole, and they feel SOooo GOOD - "Miguel's All Natural Reserva Vegetable Tortilla Chips made with Organic Corn" - they also include beets, spinach, red pepper and sundried tomato among their ingredients.   I could almost count this as a serving of vegetables.

I used to be obsessed with Food Should Taste Good chips and then I tried their chocolate tortilla chips and I really, really gagged on them.

However, Miguel's chips are a tri-colored party in my mouth!

cherry bomb!

I stopped by my favorite Wawa this morning to get some cawfee, and impulsively reached for new and exciting Limited Edition Wildly Cherry M&Ms.  

The counter guy said "Those are the BOMB!" and he was a 50 year old white guy.  I replied, "I'll have to test out that opinion."

So I'm opening the package now, crinkle crinkle - cool colors.  Weird shapes, more bulbous than regular M&Ms. 

First bite - MMmmmms!  Candy coating is thicker than regular m's and has a fake cherry flavour.

Verdict - they taste a bit like Cherry Garcia ice cream in a conveniently portable candy shell.  After 6 of them they taste like a cherry Tootsie Pop.  I hate Tootsie Pops!  But this is a 1.5 oz. bag and there are just a few left...

I'm more excited about next month's green feature, which may be a sickeningly sweet accompaniment to the Shamrock Shake.   Or it could be da bomb.

Well, if Delilah loves it, then...

Salty D. was obsessed with getting the new candles by Febreze.  Not that we don't have enough scented candles.  He was convinced that the "odor eliminating core" of Febreze candles would be the answer to all of our house's strange smells.  Actually, the core of odor elimination is taking out the garbage.  But we used them (linen and sky is my fave) and they actually do vaporize the odor of "the old fogie stogie" (remember that ad?) especially when combined with good old fashioned soap and water cleaning. 

Related topic:  Two of our favorite pizza shops play the radio station that carries Delilah's show.  It's really hard to eat pizza for dinner and listen to her yammering away about love lost and found and playing Debbie Boone and Richard Marx songs. 

However, Delilah digs Febreze candles.   In fact:

"Simply by lighting a Febreze Candle at her studio, she’s eliminating unpleasant odors and adding fresh scent to the air. It’s the Febreze freshness she grown to expect, now in the form of a candle."

I don't even want to know what unpleasant odors are emanating from Delilah's studio.  Is it leftover buffalo wings?  Untrapped wind?  Vomit from people gagging on their pizza?   

winter uglies

I can't even tell you how fugly I feel when I look at my reflection in the mirror.  It's this gray sky/gray wardrobe/gray skin February thing. 

Here's what I'm trying to do about it.  ***Product review time***!

• My hair-em turned me on to Deva Care Low-Poo.  Besides having a name that incites giggles, it turns out to be a total winter hair-saver.  Americans are addicted to soapsuds - and this 'poo takes some gettin' used to because it doesn't lather.   No frizz, no stripping off the color, no conditioning required, and it works with any hair texture.  Yeah, I know, it's 16 smackers per bottle. But I'm telling you, it's been over a month and I've only used 1/16 of a bottle so far.  And no conditioner.   Shampoo without the sham!

• A friend of mine rides horses with the daughter of Mr. Kiehl.  Ouch, that name dropped onto my little toe!  Anyway, all the supahstahs, when they reveal what's in their little black beauty bag, carry Kiehl's #1 lip balm and it's supposed to be the shit.   My sister-in-law gave me a tube.  It's pretty much the same as Vaseline but it costs $5 and if you use it you can be just like the celebrities.  But it's great for the winter.

• I couldn't possibly have drier cuticles.   I've been given fancy hand creams which smell lovely but the thing that works the best to heal gnarled paws is Aquaphor.

• What is this cruel world doing to my almost-40-year old skin?  Seriously.  Quel disaster.  A friend is selling this line of skin care and I tested it out, and even though the company is often blasted for being a marketing powerhouse, I tried the stuff, I liked it.  I liked it A LOT.  Especially considering that I can't use drugstore stuff now and my hair-em wants me to tap into Somme Institute stuff for my high maintenance needs - hello, if I did that I would need to put aside all purchases of trashy magazines, lattes, striped socks, and french martinis for an entire year to afford it.  Or give up the blaugra.  And who can live like that?

• Last - HOT AND STEAMY (that phrase will get me a lot of hits!) ad for freakin' toothpaste.  I love how they're making out in a swamp.