This is a follow-up to my previous post below, "How 9/11 Made Me Stronger."
I've thought about this a lot as we approach the 10 year anniversary.
I don't think the attack on our country made me weaker. I think it exposed weaknesses that were already there, just like it exposed weaknesses in our nation's security. I was fortunate to only be touched by the disaster and trauma through the media or through friends, and not experience a direct loss of a human in my life.
But the day brought on a heaviness that my generation and my type of person (growing up safe and suburban) had not typically felt. A new layer of sadness, fear, and pressure. War had always been something far away from me. Now it hit home. Everyone seemed to do what they could to cope.
A friend arrived at work at the World Trade Center on that morning. He emerged from the subway and looked up to see a burning tower, and immediately began walking uptown with the crowds. In the aftermath, he left Wall Street, built a small business across the river, and raised kids. He was really lucky too, and he knows it.
Hippy Chick
I immersed myself in my new job at a little nonprofit professional theatre. I was creative and full of love. It was like the age of Aquarius. This love would save us from the fear and loathing in the world, I had decided.
But soon I went back to being an adrenaline junkie. I failed... a lot. I invited strange couch-surfing actors to stay at my house without asking Salty D. if it was okay with him [it wasn't.] I partied hard after our shows, I didn't sleep regularly, I lost friendships, I became very, very emotional at work, I was a little delusional.
Train Wreck
I decided that the problem was the toxic job, so I went on new job interviews and at one I was an absolute mess. It was an interview with people I had worked with at the publishing company. I remember styling my then-overdyed-black hair into a weird twist and by the time I arrived at the company my updo had half-undone, my shirt was rumpled, my stockings had a run (and ironically it was a job at a hosiery company.) Afterwards, I anxiously awaited the call from the company telling me that I didn't get the job.
I had several nervous breakdowns. At therapy one day I talked about the nightmares I had about being attacked, or trapped in the stairwell of one of the burning towers, or throwing myself out of a window amongst all the files and papers floating down to the street. The therapist said this was really common among her patients, this 9/11-media-trauma-stress. What had we done to ourselves?
Steel Magnolia
I am resilient on the outside, but on the inside I'm usually churning in turmoil. I've learned to accept that there are things I can't do. Does that make me weaker? Sometimes I think so. I see people fighting for what's right and good and I think, "I have no strength to do that." Was this caused by the events of September 11? Not really.
When I get totally stressed out, about anything, I say repeatedly to myself inside, "We aren't burdened with more than we can bear..."
I don't think that's altogether true anymore but it's one of those quick fixes I use to get through a crisis. Others I use are "That which does not kill us makes us stronger," and "Make it work," said in Tim Gunn's voice.
Over the long term there are no quick fixes for such great loss.
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*nervously hits the PUBLISH button*
If I were to award a blaugie for best written post then this one would be the winner. Most excellent IMO.
Posted by: Kristin | 07 September 2011 at 08:59 AM
oh wait, I meant this for the one yesterday - let me go read this one - hee hee
Posted by: Kristin | 07 September 2011 at 08:59 AM
Eh, this one's not as good as the other. hee hee
Thanks gurrrrrl
Posted by: blaugra | 07 September 2011 at 02:42 PM