My family is waiting for my aunt to die. This is my aunt who said she had no regrets, and she has had quite a celebratory and profound end-of-life experience. She is ready to go. But her body, or certain forces of nature, are not cooperating.
Now people wait by her bedside for her to die. I don't feel anything about this except some anticipation. No sadness. Well, I do have some sympathy for those who have endured this path with the aunt.
My mother wants to know if I can schedule the trip to New York for the memorial service.
The aunt is about a 5-hour drive away. Mom is concerned that I won't be able to get a hotel room. "So what do you think about reserving a room now to make sure the motels aren't sold out?"
What?
We don't know when my aunt's body is going to make this happen.
Making motel room reservations (for some reason hotels in that region are called "motels" by my family even though they're like, Holiday Inns) is a feeble attempt to control the situation and we can't really control this because that would be wrong. Even though my aunt asked everyone to "move things along quickly" her demise is not happening quickly enough for the family. I'm starting to think it shouldn't be illegal to follow someone's dying wish to be released from her body in a faster, humane way.
It's starting to get absurd.
That's right, I'm finding dying of cancer absurd - but only because I'm not there. I'm not taxed each day by waiting by her side with the burden of "Any minute now...it could happen any minute..." which I can only imagine must be a horrible anxiety. I'm just watching it happen long-distance and seeing it take a toll on my mother.
Perhaps this post is like a prayer that her end will come soon. This is the first time I have ever hoped for someone's death. Wait - that's not true - but that's a story for another time. Unless I am struck down first for my insensitivity.
So I pray to a higher being, or you can call it meditation, visualization, hope, whatever. I think the action of focusing and quietly meditating or praying works to make me feel better about an outcome.
This is the first time I've ever used the blog like a prayer.
postscript: prayer has been answered. Whew.
Posted by: blaugra | 22 August 2011 at 03:27 PM
Oh, wow. I can only imagine the combination of exhaustion, relief, and sadness everyone is feeling right now. I'm sorry for your loss and, sorry it took such a toll on your family. May your aunt rest in peace.
Be sure to keep an eye on your mom in the days after the service. She may not know what to do with herself for awhile. She might need help easing back into the "real world". I remember reading that people who spend days or weeks at the sick/ death bed of someone close to them have a hard time transitioning without the stress, constant anticipation, adrenaline mixed with exhaustion, etc. She might come out of it like, "Oh, look, summer is almost over" like she was in a dream or something. I've heard it's almost like the outside world ceases to exist.
Anyway, sorry for your loss.
Posted by: lg | 22 August 2011 at 07:54 PM
Oh, and I just read your Tweet about your mom being the last to "let go" of her sister. I totally get that. The sister bond is like no other. My mom has three sisters, I'm one of two sisters, and I have two girls -- I know that love. I am surrounded by that love. I am awed by that love. Every day.
As my mom once said, your sister is there long before your spouse and will likely be there long after your parents are gone. It's the longest relationship you'll have. Cherish it. Protect it. Enjoy it.
Sounds like your mom did. So I ammend my earlier post with this: I am so very, very sorry for your mom's loss.
Posted by: lg | 22 August 2011 at 08:00 PM
thank you for the advice, I didn't even think of mom's "re-entry" into the living world. That's definitely going to be a challenge.
I envy the sister bond, you're really fortunate to have that.
Posted by: blaugra | 23 August 2011 at 10:07 AM
Aw, B. Thinking of you & your family. XOXO
Posted by: KtP | 23 August 2011 at 10:43 PM