Sinead O'Connor's physical beauty and haunting voice were breathtaking. No other woman was that gorgeous and that bald. My friend Kenny was obsessed.
He continued to be mildly obsessed with her, the Sinead of 1990.
But not unhealthily obsessed. I promise you.
I was obsessed with her music. I do not want what I haven't got became a mantra of my 22-year-old hippie trippy self. Of course I wanted what I didn't have but I wanted to believe the lie. The song I am stretched on your grave still brings the chills.
Now Sinead looks like this.
And I'm feeling pretty good about myself.
We both kind of look like we're age 44.
Let's not dwell on appearance or online writings, no, let's just talk about how Sinead has stated that she desperately seeks a man. A sex-starved man.
Have I got the guy for you, Sinead. He won't be starstruck, I promise you, but will appreciate your legendary talents and beauty.
Kenny fits your requirements perfectly:
"Am in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man." [Kenny's very sweet. He's very generous and buys great gifts. I can only assume he is sex-starved because he is a man.]
"He must be no younger than 44." [He's 44!]
"Must be living in Ireland but I don't care if he is from the planet Zog." [Kenny's from New Jersey which is close to the planet Zog, but we can send him over on the next Aerlingus.]
"Must not be named Brian or Nigel." [check!]
"Must be blind enough to think I'm gorgeous." [Kenny wears a fairly strong eyeglass prescription.]
"Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply." [Kenny is very employed! What's a vehicle clamper? Whatever it is, he doesn't do that.]
"Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies." [I have never seen Kenny in leather trousers, but he can often fit into his jeans from high school. And he looks slightly like RDJ]
"I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply." [check!]
"No hair gel." [nope, no hair gel on Kenny! his long curly locks are all natural and untamed!]
"No hair dryer use." [doesn't even own one.]
"No hair dye." [you can see every gray hair if you want!]
"Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me." [Kenny has a nice array of stubble. Sometimes he's bearded, sometimes he just rocks the sideburns with some stubble]
"No after shave." [I doubt he's ever bought any]
"Must be very 'snuggly'. Not just wham-bam." [In this department, I can only imagine that Kenny would fulfill whatever you desire, Sinead.]
"Must be wham-bam." [I don't know, maybe Salty D. can speak to this more...]
"Has to like his mother." [Like her? He still lives with her! OOPS. Wait a minute...no, this can not be a deal-breaker. Read on.]
"Has to like his ex and or mother/s of his children." [No kids, but loves kids. GREAT with kids. Best uncle EVER.]
"Has to live in own place." [OK to be fair, yes, Kenny lives in his mother's house. But that seems to be a mutually beneficial arrangement. He helps to take care of her and he hasn't had to purchase an apartment in pricey northern Jersey, he was able to invest in his business.]
So you see how it is all working out for them both? I'm so happy for Kenny and Sinead.
Throw back a pint and call me Yente.
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