The Gobbler

I often joke around that I'm fat or that I have a big ol' butt.  Oh, I'm so very funny, just like a clown.  I used to be able to hide a belly bulge and refocus attention to skinny legs or big boobs.

BUT now I am officially, undeniably, fat. My legs are no longer skinny and my butt really is big and old. No joke!

This is a sudden realization that I have gradually morphed from being slightly overweight, to overweight-but-trying-to-hide-it, to just fat. And not fat and happy, either.

Last year, some of my bracelets stopped fitting. And I thought, "How odd!"  Then I wasn't able to zip my tall boots all the way up, and I thought, "Gawdammit!"  Then I woke up one day to realize that leggings were no longer a good look on me.  Yet, my weight hadn't been changing much. Everything was just kinda moving around.  

But now, after 3 months of spending most of my free time sitting on my ass, studying like mad through my first grad-school class, and stress-eating through a long nervous breakdown, my weight has changed.  I feel fat. Not just because I bellied up to the Thanksgiving trough multiple times this past weekend.

Fat is a feeling, I'm convinced. There are active happy people who are "big" and feel great.  Their clothes look great, they're confident, they're healthy.  They may not feel fat and so they don't look fat. I used to not feel fat, even if I sometimes looked it and didn't realize it (oops!) and committed many a fashion faux-pas, discovered only in hindsight, unfortunately.

This morning, as I put on a sweater that used to be worn as a sweater dress and is now just a drapey tunic that sort of covers my black-pants-clad butt, I felt fat.  The pants cover my boots that don't zip up all the way.  The boots have comfy small wedge heels instead of the steeper ones that hurt to walk in.

As I was feeling this way I read about my friend Michelle who wrote about why being fat sucks and is at this very moment undergoing surgery.  Other friends talk about their fights with and triumphs over fat. So I thought I'd come out about it too, in my own way. I feel weak, defeated, and ugly.

What made me fat? Well, I'm over 40. Let's get that age bit out there.  

Other than that, I eat too much sugar (refined carbohydrates, fruits, dairy, and sugary sweets,) when I'm stressed I eat crunchy pretzels or salty tortilla chips, I haven't taken more than short walks in 3 months since I chose to start up school again, and I have a sedentary job. Yep, that's pretty much how it's done.  

I can control all of this. I know exactly what I'm doing.  

• I know not to eat a second portion of pasta with olive oil, cauliflower, peas, prosciutto and shaved parmesan cheese at dinner.  
• I know I should eat an apple instead of a chocolate chunk cookie. 
• I know that "eat more vegetables" does not mean "eat fried potatoes." 
• I know that nachos do not make problems go away.
• I know that the calories in a full container of hummus are not cancelled out by the 20 celery sticks dipped into it.
• I know pizza and ranch dressing were not meant to be companions. 

I've done it, knowingly, to myself.  I know how to fix it, I know that it's mental, and I know it will be more difficult to fix the longer I wait.

But I have no plans right now to fix it so this isn't one of those posts where the writer is all gung-ho "And NOW I have a plan!" and the commenters are all, "Good for you, you can do it!"  

It's just a big fat revelation.

Comments

[Kristin]

I always have to remember that free food makes one fat too. No need to eat it just cause it is free.
And donuts and pop tarts aren't food.
Sigh, off to find those carrot sticks instead of the 5 mini candy bars - being mini does not negate their evility.

[blaugra]

True, there's that "it filled my belly and I didn't have to pay for it" mentality.

"OOh! Free sugary-bready stuff! Yay!"

[KtP]

It's okay to not have any plans to fix what you think needs to be fixed. It's okay to take time out to become okay with wanting to fix something.

Rome wasn't built in a day, they say.