blaugra: Freaking out about My Little MBA

I actually thought it would be all happy energy and pretty rainbow manes.

When it's actually actually been more like this.

(this is a work that's in the Kazuya Akimoto Art Museum, I don't know where that is or who did it but it's one freaked out little horse.)

I find the subject matter of my first class fascinating. I like the professor. I like being in a classroom again. I like how everyone in the class is going, "Holy shit." just like me, because for most of us it's our very first class back at college, with many years since our bachelor's degrees were earned.

But I've totally fuh-reaked out:

There is math involved. I'm really not good at math. Put an equation in front of me and I literally melt down. And I've been melting down a lot lately.

I have to achieve a certain grade and that's all I can think about. So I look at an equation or graph, melt down, and then my self-defeating voice says in my head, "You're never ever going to make the grade now!" and I still can't manage to shut it up. My acupuncturist told me to meditate but I don't have time for that (which is why I should do it.)

I'm slow.

Aside from the subject matter, I'm new to all this modern college stuff.

When did all this happen? When I was working in a poor little theatre? When I was spending my summer in a shore share, drunk on test tube shots? Did university IT departments just freakin' go nuts in the past decade or what? Very impressive.

Reading and reading and reading and writing pages of notes to myself on my Hello Kitty notebook paper hoping I'll understand my notes and retain something. And Kitty no longer makes me laugh, she just annoys the shit out of me because it's like she's laughing at me. Even though she doesn't have a mouth.

So today I spent 10 more hours trying to make it work. I think I finally calmed down.

I made an appointment to hang out with a librarian to get guidance on my research paper. I had to pick from a list of macroeconomics topics right after I learned what macroeconomics was. Now I will figure out how to write a research paper. And how to use a college library again. I guess you no longer have to use microfiche.

After agonizing over the homework problems, and throwing balled-up graph paper across the room, I finished. I took a walk to cleanse my head. I returned home and picked up my notebook and checked my answers. Most of them were correct. I smiled for the first time today.

Then I made some double chocolate biscotti. I would have made cupcakes but I only had enough flour and butter for the biscotti.

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I freaked out at least twice a week during my first semester for my master's degree. The first semester is the toughest. I asked friends and family to read some of my assignments. I think I even asked somebody at the supermarket to read my paper. Ha Ha. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't rambling on for ten pages. Long walks with an ipod full of good music often cleared my head during a very stressful assignment. Feel free to send me any assignment for feedback. You can even shoot me an e-mail if you just want to vent. You will do great!

Posted by: libraryben | 16 September 2010 at 11:52 AM