blaugra: Hello bird! Hello sky! Hello mirror, who are you?

Dr. Oz told me that 95% of your body's supply of seratonin (the happy hormone) is in your gut. So if you're feeling bad, and your abdomen area is all out of whack, that can compromise your seratonin levels. Or vice-versa? That's my non-medical assumption.

I take psychiatric drugs. But the drugs weren't working anymore. My anxiety has been creeping up toward code red for some time but I didn't notice it. I blamed it on specific situations and not on body chemistry. Like, working with an organization that was in financial crisis. Or, being stuck in a really long, slow check-out line in a store where there aren't any tabloid mags to read look at pictures while waiting.

Then my doctor tweaked my drugs. The one that I'd been using for over a decade had started to cause the very symptoms that it was supposed to treat. How the fuck does that happen? No, don't tell me. The suicidal feelings and living-in-an-armpit-of-despair and not even feeling like showering, these feelings all suck and were amplified by the drugs that were supposed to help.

We tweaked and now I'm taking a drug that has a really stupid name. It's a made-up verb that's stupid. I'm taking that with a couple other things. During the last few weeks I could feel the chemistry shifting around in my body. Between the new psycho drugs and the stuff I'm taking for the esophogeal/stomach juncture, I feel like they made me kinda goofy and exhausted. I also got a new eyeglass prescription so that didn't help either. I was bumping into walls. I also got those new wedge heel shoes which are really comfortable but but after a winter wearing mostly Uggs, well, that threw me off too. It's a new balance. Oh, I love New Balance sneakers.

I also wondered what would happen if I just stopped taking the drugs. Would it be worse? Is this really better living through chemicals? What would this be like if I had greater responsibilities? I can't think of that, it's not productive right now. I really believe that we are only given what we can bear.

I still miss caffeine. Yet for the past few days, I've woken up without hitting snooze 7 times. I'm even, dare I say, perky.

Whaaaaat?

This morning I woke up and not only am I blogging before 8 am, I did laundry, wrote notes for a presentation, twirled my hoop to Beyonce on MTV, washed dishes and WHAT THE HELL THAT IS SOOOO WEIRD! Is that the excitement of spring? Is that me? How can it be me? I'm the person who says "I'm not a morning person." Now I'm talking to inanimate objects at 6:30 am, and to birds. "Hello Robin...nice big breast ya got there!"

Freakin' me out.