Surviving the Seduction of The Sands

OK, the best way to deal with a casino in your town is to just drive on by and not enter. But, if you're me - curious and guillible - you might want to check it out for yourself.

Here is what I've learned about navigating The Sands in Bethlehem after just 4 visits:

If you get promotions in the mail for $35 of free slots play - ignore them.

The "free money" goes fast, and you won't win anything.  If you do, you might win 88 cents like I did last night.  When you cash out, you only get the net winnings and you know the house always wins with slots. So don't even bother.

The parking garage sucks the big one. 

I have never seen such a creepy clusterfuck in my life. I think it's deliberately designed to be Hell's Parking Garage to make you want to pay $7 for valet parking.

My mother's trick is to park somewhere else in town and take the low-priced "Loop" bus that will drop you at the very classy bus entrance to the casino.

If you don't like to breathe smoke, touch things that are dirty, or sing along to hits of the 1980s, don't even think about going.  If you worry about catching the swine flu, don't enter the building.

When you ride the elevators from the parking garage to the casino floor, you will be in a car with several other people:

1. The old lady who has a cane and is clutching the arm of her daughter or husband with excitement about losing her pension check.

2. The white trash guy who is wearing a tank top so you can see his hairy shoulders along with all his casino player's cards on a lanyard around his neck, who will say, "Well, if I don't win here I'll head out to the Borgata tomorrow! Heh heh heh"

3. The first-timers who will say things like, "What a cute town" or "I don't know how to play a slot machine."  Hint:  slot machines are for the lowest common denominator of society. 

Here's how you play slot machines:

Find a pretty one. Preferably one with a "Glitter Kitty" or "Wild Wolf Howl at the Moon" theme. Don't even try to get in on the "Deal or No Deal" machines, which actually make you feel like you are using your brain. There are only 5 of them, they're in the smoking section, and there's always a line to play them unless you're there at 4 am. Unless you want to stand in the line and cheer people, that's a great way to make friends.

Insert your players card so the casino can track every move you make. 

Insert money.

Hit the button that says "play all lines plus feature" and then make your bet. 

Repeat until money is gone or until you pull another $20 out of your wallet.  Don't even try to understand the logic behind the pay lines.

Make a new friend with the old guy sitting next to you whose machine is obviously winning, and accept his encouraging advice about how to hit the pay lines.  Reciprocate with cheers when his machine freaks out and makes lots of noise.

Order a "free" drink from the cocktail waitress in the heinous uniform, just don't expect it to come before you're out of money. 

There, wasn't that fun? 

Remember the cocktails are well drinks, small, and served in plastic cups. Tip the waitress even if she's slow to return, because she has to wear that heinous sparkle dress with nude stockings and brown shoes. 

My mom's trick:  bring hand sanitizer or towelettes. Wash hands often. Really, your hands will be gross and brown. eeeeeew

Also crucial if you're a girl - bring a sweater.  When it's 90 degrees outside it's like 50 inside.

Final casino-floor navigation tip: when you walk by the virtual video blackjack machines, you're obligated to say something about the chestiness of the lifesize virtual video blackjack dealer chick on the screen. "Nice rack!" is appropriate if you don't want to be too graphic about stating the obvious.

Then eat.

The best deal at the Sands is at St. James Gate faux Irish pub. Inside, you can barely hear the casino, and the barstools are really comfy and there is a fire in the fireplace, because, you know, it's 50 degrees. 

Order a Guinness, Harp or hard cider and something from the bar's mini-menu. It's written on a chalkboard behind the bartender and you have to ask for it.  Order the mini bangers & mash for $4 (which was enough for my dinner - two bangers, baked beans, tomato and a pyramid of mashed with fresh scallions), the fish-n-chips and/or the Prince Edward Island mussels (flown in fresh daily.)  All the selections are $3-$4. Your food bill will be less than your drinks, but at least you're not drinking swill from a plastic cup listening to Bananarama for the 900th time in your life.

Final step: the elevator ride back to Hell's Parking Garage. 

The mood is considerably different with the people in this car than on the way in.  There will ALWAYS, ALWAYS be someone who will say, to no one in particular, "Doesn't look like we're happy campers here!" 

Hint: even if you won, act like you're not a happy camper. Shake your head and say, "You win some, you lose some, I guess."  Because if you say you're a big winner, the seemingly harmless woman from New Jersey might mug you in Hell's Parking Garage and take all your winnings.

Still, I want you to come to the casino, put your money in and help decrease Pennsylvania's deficit  pad the pockets of a non-local companies and big government.

Also, if you want to buy something in the gift shop that doesn't say "Emeril" on it, take the loop to another part of town with gift shops selling the same stuff, and support the locals who will most likely not be wearing ugly sequined short dresses.  Well, you never know.

Comments

[Kristin]

FLOWN IN FRESH DAILY!

[Lurker Girl]

Best entry in awhile! Funny stuff, Blaugra! Welcome back! Wait, were you gone???

[Jeremy]

God damn it, Kristin beat me to it!

[blaugra]

Yes, I was gone!

"flown in fresh daily" is an ode to my dad. I can't wait to take him to this place so he can tell the stories about the flown in fresh daily mussels again!