I had to attend a "Meet-and-Greet-Wine-and-Cheese," and don't you love howthosewordsallruntogether?
And in what order do we accomplish the four tasks?
I decided to first meet or greet (sometimes I greeted people before meeting them, whatever that means) and I had resolved not to wine or cheese, but to simply club soda. However, after 5 minutes of meeting I was at the bar getting wined and then talking to the cheesemaker about some triple cream monstrosity smeared on a biscuit with fig orange jam. DEEEAMN CHEESEMAKER GIRL, that was good! Now, why was I here...?
I don't like to drink at business functions but apparently other people like when I do. My nervousness mixes with the alcohol and I become a big sassy comedienne. Not quite Lisa Lampanelli, but frighteningly close. That's the only way I can get through a professional Meet and Greet, I guess, as early as 4:00 PM. It's like I'm an early bird wino. OMG, I'm turning into my dad, who has his daily red wine happy hour at 4:00 PM!!!
A couple days before the Meat-and-Greet-Whine-and-Cheese, I told Salty D. that I was nervous about talking to some of the politicians that were coming, but I had to greet or meet them. So I asked if I could practice on him.
And we were at a bar.
Me: OK, you be the U.S. Representative guy who's gonna be there, and I'm me. OK? OK. Here I go.
D: OK.
Me: Hello Senator, pleased to meet you. Have you heard about our children's programming?
D: Well, first of all, he's not a senator, he's a congressman.
Me: Do you think he would mind if I fucked that up?
D: He's a cool guy, so, whatever.
Me: OK, so back into character. Senator - I mean, Congressman - thank you for supporting this organization. OK, so now you go.
D: What do you mean?
Me: Be the congressman, and you're meeting me.
D: OK. Where's my drink?
Me: Congressman, [I touch D's arm] do you know what children's program is one of my favorite?
D: No! I do not! Please, tell me now! I must know!
Me: Well, Congressman, our therapists work with children and their families to effectively...ummm...
D: Don't touch him.
Me: What?
D: You're touching my arm. Don't touch the congressman.
Me: Oh! Shit. [the bartender looks at us quizzically] OK, let's try it again. Congressman, our children's program is so important...
D: You're touching my arm again...
Me: ...it's so important! Did you know some children have trouble swallowing and our therapists work with the kids to essentially teach them how to swallow?
D: [sets drink down] Do not - DO NOT - talk to the congressman about children and swallowing.
Me: Why? It's a real problem! Did you know that? I didn't know that! Imagine not being able to swallow! Ach, my throat is closing up just thinking about it...
D: That's crazy talk. Be yourself. Just don't bring up health care reform in that setting.
So what did I do? Congressman was being shmoozed in every corner and I finally intercepted him as he was making a break for it near the exit. I smiled and said, "Thanks for coming!" And he said, "This was a very nice event. I have to go pick up my kids." Then I said...."OK BYE!"
"OK BYE?" !
This is one of my recent favorites, Laura. Stellar! (or, Stella...we report, you decide).
Posted by: Tom Guarriello | 28 August 2009 at 07:13 AM