Mmmmm peanut butter.

This is ridiculous.  Front page news story:

You know you're in Pennsylvania when the curious news of the day is a big hungry groundhog getting his head stuck in a jar of peanut butter.  I guarantee you when I go to the store later that people will be talking about it, so why not me?

You may be tempted to say, "Awwww...poor little guy." 

No.  The peanut butter is Skippy which is the best kind there is, so do not feel sorry for him.  And

groundhogs are horrible animals who don't know how to harmoniously coexist with humans. They get all up in our business.  They massacre gardens by digging up fences and then not just eating the tomatoes, but grabbing each tomato, one by one, taking a bite and throwing it on the ground.  Much like the way I eat a box of chocolates.  So you have a vegetable patch full of half-nibbled rotten tomatoes, as if they're tomato gourmands.  I swear they do it out of spite.  And this happens at exactly the time when you are craving a fresh tomato sandwich.  I've picked up these groundhog-nibbled tomatoes and considered cutting off the nibbled half and using the other half for a sandwich. But then I think of the tomato in the animal's claws, and ew, you don't know where that claw has been.

Case in point.  And I may be repeating myself here but as I told my friends at breakfast yesterday after I told them twice in a row that Blind Scott had been voted off of Idol and they looked at me and said, "Uh, yeah, you just said that" that I can't remember shit. This is one of my favorite stories about my dad and our survival living in Little House in Suburban Paradise.  

This one time, in the summer, a groundhog jumped into my parents' swimming pool.  He was so fat because he had bitten into our entire tomato harvest.  My dad heard this splashing around and went to investigate and saw this fat fuck trying to get out of the pool.  In the process, the groundhog's little claws were desperately tearing the pool liner.  All my dad could think of was how much it would cost to replace the liner, and, if the groundhog drowned, how difficult it would be to remove it from the deep end of the pool.  Well, that, and the fact that this was the hog who ate all his tomatoes! 

So he grabbed a rake and bludgeoned the groundhog to death.  I don't think he meant to murder the animal, just stun it, just give it a brain injury.  So, what, we'd be left with a brain-injured groundhog, like that would be better?  Somehow he got the the animal out of the pool, he probably broke the pool skimmer while trying to lift it out, and he threw it - HE THREW THE MURDERED FAT WET GROUNDHOG - over the fence. 

We were always throwing dead animals over the fence.  We didn't like one of our neighbors and they had a big shrub border around their back yard so that's where the dead animals went after we fished them out of the pool.  I often wondered if they wondered why so many birds and chipmunks died in their bushes.  But the only time they'd go into their back yard was to prune the bushes while we were hanging out around the pool so they would have a better view of my friends  "sunbathing."

Dad was not proud of his actions, he kept it a secret for a long time. Probably two days. 

It's no way to treat a wild animal who has been injured. You should wear gloves and call the professionals to help the oversized rodent to live another day so it can eat a jar of peanut butter and get famous.

Comments

[Jeremy]

Wait...did he bludgeon the groundhog while it was in your pool? So did the pool fill up with blood? or did he manage to scoop it out of the pool then murder the little fucker on the patio? this is fascinating, Dick just got even cooler in my book and now holds more street cred!

I can just see him standing over the thing saying "flown in fresh daily bitch!" and "that is how we do it in the Hem!" okay...now I am getting a little crazy.

[blaugra]

OMG I'm hysterically laughing my lungs almost came up through my nose