I was really anxious this past week.
I was anxious about starting a new year at work, about taking a train to Philadelphia for the first time (more on that later), about not having enough time to spend with friends, about my relatives, about the weather and the fact that I never learned how to use my snowblower, about having too many tops to wear but very few bottoms, about trying to get to a couple of events on time...it was too much and I couldn't relax, at all. My shoulders are still, yet, again, up to my earlobes.
I was to accompany Salty D. to his annual holiday party for his job, and it was at a ski resort, and it was snowing. All I could think about was being stuck on a road wearing a sequined dress, yelling at each other because one of us turned down the wrong road. I started remembering getting stuck on an iced-over interstate, with cars sliding off the road and tractor trailers slamming into other vehicles. I have driven through many storms and blizzards, what's my problem? My problem is I've seen enough, escaped enough, and I know what other people are capable of doing and I don't want to be in the car that does a 180-turn on an icy patch and slams into a semi and have people say, "She was so young. But why was she out driving during a snowstorm?" And it wasn't even snowing very much!!
But it wasn't just the wintry mix, it was a mix of many layers, and this was the tipping point.
Then Salty D. said, "Ok, we have to leave in an hour! And by the way, they're having karaoke and are counting on you to get the party started!"
I started to think about all the stuff I wrote above.
Then I decided to eat 9 olives in rapid succession.
I felt what I can only describe as a plunger of pressure pushing up through my body and realized, Fuck, I'm having another anxiety attack. I hadn't had one in months.
I hit my little helper bottle to take my occasional dose of half-a-pill and told D. I wouldn't go with him to the party. He took it well. I said, "I won't be an asset to your career tonite, and I'd rather not go outside." He went to go party, then I passed out in front of the new TV.
I woke up 2 hours later and panicked again, "Oh my GOD I'm a HORRIBLE wife!" Why didn't I stand by my man? It was OK to send him into the black forest without a navigator? It was OK for him to be one of the few guys at the party without a wife at his side? It would be OK if his car skidded off the road as long as I wasn't in it? I took vows! For the love of God, my marriage is falling apart!!! Aaaaaaah!
I stumbled to the kitchen and swallowed the other half-a-pill.
Today, all has returned to normal. Except on my way to work at the coffeeshop, I stopped at my favorite convenience store and bought a cup of coffee. That was fucked up. I was confused about which job I had today. Other than that, I'm back up on the life horse and on the track.
I like to talk about this because people come out and say, "Oh yeah, I have panic attacks, I know exactly how that feels," and then I don't feel so inept. So feel free to chime in at any time here!
My question is, did Salty sing Karaoke? Who got the party started?
Hope you're feeling better. I felt a panic attack coming on today but I "fought if off". Those little effers sneak up when you least expect them eh?
Posted by: Jeremy | 13 January 2009 at 09:12 PM
Ha! Salty D. is anti-karaoke, so when a sales rep tried to get the party started with, oh I don't know I'll make a guess, something Motown, I believe he ran to the bar.
Posted by: blaugra | 14 January 2009 at 08:06 AM