blaugra: just call me W.T.

And now, today's episode of White Trash Family!

Characters: Dad, Mom, Bro, Salty D., Two Innocent Bystanders (TIB), Po-po, a disgusting little man named Ned for the purposes of this re-creation, and me.

I may have mentioned that Bro is an unstable, unemployable, unpleasant individual who lives in an unsavory apartment near me. That's important to understanding the action.

Scene 1, at the home of my parents:

I'm weeping because all the drama of the past three days is finally released. Mom gives me a bowl of homemade chicken soup which turns off the tears the way mom's soup does. Dad can't stop talking and repeating himself about my uncle's death and I'm worried about him. Phone rings, and it's Bro, with some new dramatic news for my dad.

Mom (stage-whispering to me): Your brother invited a strange man to stay with him and now the strange man won't leave and your brother is freaking out.

Me: (soup falls off spoon and into bowl) How long has this guy been living there?

Mom: a couple of months. We didn't want to tell you. His name is Ned. Your brother took him in because Ned had no place to go. And, he's bad news. Bad news.

Oh shit. All the freakin' therapy I paid for so that I could feel fine about walking away from the family drama with Bro and my parents goes out the window. Homeless Addict Ned has been staying at the apartment that my parents are paying for Bro. And now he won't leave and is threatening my family. I grab the phone from my dad who is babbling incoherently anyway.

Me: What's going on?

Bro: I CAN'T TAKE IT. He's all up in my face, his stuff is everywhere, I just want him to leave and he won't! I'm so scared! Something bad is going to happen! I called the cops last nite and they intimidated me and said it was all my fault!

Me: Well, it kind of is. Put all his shit in trash bags and leave it near the door. Where is he now? Call me when he gets back from buying cigarettes and D. and I will come over and get rid of him.

Great. This is just what D. wants to hear today. I thanked mom for the soup and left their house to go to mine.

Scene 2, in which I become a rabid pit bull:

Phone rings and it's Bro, completely unglued. I have no idea what he was babbling about. Then...

Bro: ohmygod OH MY GOD- Ned's back, he's here! What do I do?!?

Me: We'll be right there.

D. rolls his eyes and says, "If it's not one thing, it's another."

We arrive at Bro's disgusting, gray, smoky apartment to find him in the kitchen with Ned, and TIB (the innocent bystanders, remember). D. walks in.

D: What's going on here? (he steps in between Bro and Ned)

Ned: We're just talking.

Bro: Please - Ned just leave, I can't handle this.

D: Well, Ned, it looks like you've worn out your welcome, you need to leave now.

Ned: We're just talking!

I had been outside on the porch, and when I saw this scumbag Ned holding a can of Bud while sucking on a Marlboro and being all smug and slimy, I threw open the screen door and got all Jerry Springer on his ass.

Me: GETOUTNOW! LEAVE RIGHT NOW! GET YOUR SHIT OUT OF MY BROTHER'S HOUSE AND LEAVE!

Ned: Wow, who are you people?

Bro: It's my sister - and .... please, I can't take it anymore...I can't talk...

Me: GET THE FUCK OUT! ALL OF YOU! NOW!

TIB look at me like I'm the craziest person on the face of the earth, which of course I'm not because there are two other people in the room vying for that title.

Ned (stands still and looks at me, sippin' his beer): I'm not leaving until I finish this beer. You're being very unreasonable.

Me: DUMP YOUR GODDAM BEER AND GET OUT NOW! SHUT UP AND LEAVE!

Ned: But I can't get into a car with an open container.

D: Look, Ned. We could do this the easy way, or we could do it the hard way.

Ned: Oh yeah? What's the hard way?

TIB: don't call the cops.

Me: What a great idea! SHUT UP AND GET OUT! (geez, don't these people get it?)

TIB run past me and I say calmly, "I'm really sorry, I don't know you and yet I'm screaming at you, this is just a real problem for my family that needs to end now."

TIB: We're just trying to help!

Me: Yeah... get outta here.

And this fucking scumbag wouldn't leave the apartment. I dialed 911.

I said to the po-po, look, I know you've been here already in the past 24 hours and my bro is a fuck-up, but he's realllly hassling my family.

Ned: I know where you live!

He runs away. I looked at bro and said, "Does he know where mom and dad live?" Bro said, "Yes. I just can't take this anymore." I know by now that my brother's skin is crawling with imaginary bugs and he's probably hearing voices again. I looked at him with disgust.

"You invited this creep into our family." We turned our backs and left.

D. and I got home and he built a fire. I breathed. I asked, hopefully, "Was I intimidating?" He said, "No. You were like a rabid pit bull foaming at the mouth." I said, "Oh shit. So I was yelling like a white trash family member on Jerry Springer?" He said, "Yup."

So we watched Talladega Nights and then I curled up in front of the fire and slept.