fish out of water

So. OK.  Yesterday I went to this big environmental dinner.  And I thought, with the word "environmental" in the title, that there would be more, shall I say, "tree huggers" or real environmentalists to talk to.   NO.  It was a boozefest of lawyers and real estate developers, 90% men, all wearing gray or black suits.    And it was one of those weird times when you realize that as a woman, you're not in the good old boys' club unless you participate in the martini quaffing and golf stories with them.  Shit.  So I was totally flopping around on the deck.

As I was chatting and chewing with a nice fellow who plays the tuba and sells windmills, I'm looking down at my rubber chicken and all of a sudden a hand appears in my line of vision between me and my plate.

"Hi, <<insert name here>>,  Rick Santorum, how are you tonite?"

So how freakin' awkward is that?  He's standing behind me. I had to stop chewing and put down my fork to shake his hand and I said, "Hello Senator, good to see you again."  Again?  What am I talking about?  And I probably had a seed in my teeth. 

He has this big smile, and the 15 other broads there were following him around the ballroom like he's Barry Manilow in Vegas.

He's all "I have 6 children and a wife!  Family is so important!"  constantly.    Here's my insight:   guy is totally into kink.   

OH !  SIDEBAR:  I have friends who are kinda into kinky.   And their teenage son found a package of stuff that his dad bought, that he left sitting in the kitchen.   A nipple chain.  [the mom showed it to me, I was like, what the hell is that for?  And she said, I don't know, it's not like I'm gonna wear it!]  And the son said "Uh - mom, what is this nipple thing that dad left here?"   And the mom said to me, "I just told him to put it in our bedroom drawer."  I thought, shit,  what else is that kid gonna see in the bedroom drawer?  I babysat him!  That poor baby!

But people like that don't freak me out as much as someone who exudes a closet kink vibe like Santorum.   Anyone who runs around shoving "family values" down your throat is doing something else with his throat behind closed doors.

So then the Senator continued workin' the room, and I look down, and there is a SAUCY CARROT sitting on my boob.  Calling even more attention to it, in front of the closet-kinky senator.   Mr. Windmill, since we had just met, of course wouldn't have told me, the only woman at the table, that a carrot had jumped off the plate and onto my bosoms.   So I discreetly removed the vegetable and moved my nametag to try to cover up the sauce.   Of course it's one time I'm wearing a color other than black. 

I was BORED out of my mind, and faking interest, which is simply EXHAUSTING.  And by this time, most everyone is wasted and smelly because the bar had been open for 4 hours.   But I hung on, thinking that it had to get better, and if I can just lay low, I can bear it.  I had run out of conversation topics with the windmill people.  They were starting to tell golf jokes.  I began to feel horribly out of place and pathetic, wearing a stained ensemble from Target.   I could feel a subterranean stress zit brewing on my chin.   

The presentations finally ended and I was poised for a quick getaway,  and then- "Wait - before you go, we have a few door prizes" -- they gave away some baskets of stuff, and then they said "And now the grand prize, a weekend in Philadelphia ...."  oooooooh... Of course, it was me, and I was sitting at the table farthest away from the podium, and I had to dust off my crumb-bum and act really excited under the bright lights as all these tipsy men are like, "Alright!  Yeah!! Whooo!" 

Meanwhile, I hate Philadelphia. 

Comments

[Beth!]

Blaugra - You kill me. More stories to keep me entertained, please!

I can't believe you won the grand prize... maybe you can auction it off at the Film Festival.

Saucy carrot boob is not so bad. I was at a dinner last night where the chick next to me (who I had just met) had ranch dressing in her hair that I kept staring at. At least the saucy carrot probably didn't get to your boob until after the salad course, right? And at least you found it before dessert.

[chris ives]

WTF? A big environmental dinner and no Al Gore? We're all going to burn!

As for the teenager... I'm sure that the nipple clips were a relief compared to the 2-liter-bottle-of-soda sized butt-plug that was left inside the dishwasher two weeks ago... That just screams to be included in an episode of "Sons and Daughters". Too bad is was cancelled.

[Average Jane]

Well, at least you won something - even if it isn't something you particularly want.

[Kristin]

Secretly you love Philly. If I have to see that stupid Soutwest ad for Philly one more time I might, ah, I dunno - fast forward thru it again? heh heh

Politicians are smarmy.

[blaugra]

OK, hate is a strong word. I hate the lack of public transportation between my town and Philly. I hate that all roads into that city SUCK and what could be a 1-hour trip turns into two. I hate that South Street has become a toilet. I hate that male stripper bar "the caves". I hate that the Seaman's center is now the dopey Real World house.

I love pretzels, Boathouse Row, cheesesteaks, Old City, the Rocky statue, Betsy Ross, the Italian market, the Continental bar and the Delaware waterfront. I want to go to a new tapas restaurant called Amada and to see a show at the Khyber or someplace.

[Tom Guarriello]

I am so sorry I missed this story for five days! Blog subscription overload and a trip to Boston and...oh well. Congrats on the Philly trip!

Why not take the ike-bay (pig Latin in case Salty's 'rents sneak a peek) down to Philly and leather it up? Maybe the Senator'll be there, too!!

[blaugra]

good suggestions! OH and I almost forgot the B-list celebrity sighting -- Raj season 2 of The Apprentice was there, sporting his bow-tie, campaigning for some public office. He's quite tiny in real life.

[Kristin]

Was Raj wearing the aforementioned bow tie?

[Tom Guarriello]

Raj...what a tool!