South Beach Diet

It's that time of year for making resolutions and buying Oprah magazine and getting a gym membership and  .... just stop.  You know you're just going to torture yourself for a couple of weeks and then you'll go back to beer-drinkin' and nacho-noshing.

Instead, start my version of The South Beach Diet.  It's a practical, holistic, easy to follow lifestyle plan.  It's best to start this on January 1, when everyone else is hungover and sluggish.  So now you have a couple of days to get your supplies in order.

Phase 1 of The South Beach Diet is the most severe, but its effects are longlasting and will impact you for the rest of your life. 

I will outline Phase 1 below.  After one month of Phase 1, move to Phase 2 -- which is the same as phase 1 except you will double the quantities of everything.

First, buy a foxy new wardrobe with lots of metallic accents.  This is a great time of year to stock up on anything sequined.  Remember:  there's no such thing as too much cleavage on South Beach.

Second, get your hairs done up pretty.

Then, drink several (at least 2) mojitos in the middle of the day.  Follow these with a two-hour siesta, preferably near a heat source (a space heater will work fine unless you can actually sleep outside in the sun you bitch.)

Final steps - you're almost there!!  Shower, using your new salt scrub.  Then apply body bronzer generously.  Dance naked while listening to hyper remixes of Bollywood soundtracks or salsa.   Eat an egg white omelette, three maraschino cherries, with an espresso.  Now, you're full of non-stop energy!  Doesn't that feel great?!  You're glowing!

Get dressed in foxy wardrobe, then go out and dance on the furniture in your favorite bars.      Repeat each day throughout the month of January.

In no time, you will lose weight, friends, job, and liver.