blaugra: New Year's BLITZ!

All week long I have been living in self-imposed isolation as a hausfrau. I don't think it's working out. At this point, I'm really annoying myself.

And tonite, as is our annual tradition, I am dragging my annoying self to our friends' house to party the nite away. We only see this entire group of people together on New Year's Eve. So I look forward to it, but, after 4 days playing a hermit, I realize I have nothing to offer in the way of sparkling conversation at this impending party.

Oh, OK, wait. Here's what I've been working on all week in my hausfrau-hermit mode. Perhaps if I introduce these revelers to my "get ready for New Year's blitz", they'll invite me back again next year.

So, here's how I'm blitzin' into the new year so 2006 is a lighter, brighter year (or at least, I get through the winter)!

1. Ignoring every fuckin' weight loss commercial and every piece of diet book junk mail. It's hard enough getting through a cold winter without Kirstie Alley yelling at me. I've got my own SouthBeach Diet, go pound salt you B-list queen.

2. Burn all underwear that doesn't fit well or look good. This includes anything reminiscient of grandma, anything with non-functional elastic, cheap "novelty" thongs never worn for any good. I will start the new year in new undies. Or at the very least, wash skivvies more often (so that I don't have to go commando to the grocery store like I did the other day.)

3. Do not buy any food or drink* containing HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP. This is bad. Bad, bad. If you need convincing that it's bad, remember this: there are big tanker cars full of this crap riding the rails from coast to coast. You know how dirty railroads are? ew. (*exception: margarita mix).

4. I will refrain from watching or listening to any "news specials" or "pop culture punditry" on "the best of 2005" or "the worst of 2005" or anything that makes me feel unnecessarily wistful for bygone days. The only thing I will watch on TV and marvel at tonite is Dick Clark.

5. Anything I haven't touched, cleaned, worn or used in the past year - and I mean ANYTHING* - goes. Please, feng-shui gods, smile upon me. *Exceptions: liquor, vinyl records, childhood books in storage, vintage shoes.

Maybe these aren't the best conversational topics. (ya think?)

Perhaps instead I'll just do the usual -- drink too much, laugh too loudly, try to salsa dance, play like a child and scream at the midnite fireworks until the cops come, then sleep really late tomorrow.

Happy New Year!