blaugra

More of Me

Over the past month's hiatus, I've lost the 11 readers I had.  Yet I've decided to come back.

I was asked to be a guest on a radio show.

I know, exciting, right?

The discussion topic would have to do with "arts funding," particularly government funding, and I know a little something about that but not enough to be considered an expert by any means.

When approached, I said yes.

Why? Whyyyyy?

I was kind of talked into it at what I considered the last minute and I wanted to help out. And, lately I'd been thinking about getting back out in the community, coming out of my coccoon, but I wasn't sure if I was ready yet.

I said I would need a script so I could prepare answers beforehand. The challege then would be to make the script sound like a live and lively conversation on this NPR station broadcasting local programming during drive time.  Eeek. I'd never done live radio.

Even a year ago, I would have jumped eagerly at the chance to promote something, and myself. A few years ago I did some pre-recorded radio stuff when I was manic and excited about projects but nothing since.

Over the past year, I've just been so anxious, and full of self-doubt. Feeling not ready no matter how prepared. Not able to remember stuff I know that I know. I was so scared of stuttering or slurring as I'd been doing lately, from the meds. So scared of being asked a question and responding with dead air while I tried to put thoughts together.

As it turned out, I didn't slur or stutter. I spoke slowly. I read from my script with some expression. Some of the questions, I know I didn't answer well, but I was getting through it.

Then, the host went off-script.

She asked me a question and halfway through her talking, I knew I didn't want to answer her. I knew I wanted to get out of that studio as fast as I could. I looked at her with big eyes and shook my head vigorously "NO!" She saved the moment and answered her own question. AWKward.

We were faced with needing to fill up the time in the half-hour program, so she freestyled some more with conversational banter and I attempted to answer questions but really felt like a buffoon.

I love radio, and I'm bummed that I kind of screwed up.

Still, I didn't cry afterwards like I would have a few months ago. I wasn't entirely shaky and jittery. Just a little.

I leaned on the friends and family support system beforehand and they all encouraged and said things to make me feel more confident. That really helped.

This was about more than a radio program that I hoped no one would listen to.  This was about getting involved, opening up, stretching and talking and getting out of my comfort zone.

I've decided I'm not quite ready to get back out there yet. I think it was good to test the waters though.

Less of Me

I'm taking a break from counting Weight Watchers points to write here.  I joined up just after January 1 in a fit of resolve even though I said I wasn't going to make any resolutions. I think it was smart to not make a resolution but to just sign up. I'm now lighter! So far I've lost 8 pounds.

For now, all this new kind of menu planning is fun. In the winter, especially, it's easy with soups and stews and chilis. Mushed all together, vegetables taste good to me.  I've even been eating squash and kale. What's happening to me?

I read the side effects to the newest bipolar medication I've been prescribed and every source said "Weight gain. Instant weight gain." FREAK OUT.  So I decided to meet that effect head on. The thing is, the medication hasn't kicked in yet -- this one takes a while -- so this weight loss may just be a pre-emptive strike.  This may also be another fad for me, as I tend to jump from one thing to another. But it's still a good thing.

The end of My Little MBA

Dear Blaugra,

I have been reviewing the files of students who have been accepted to our MBA program and noticed it has been quite some time since you registered for a class.

I had been wondering when I was going to get this letter. Finally. Finally I have to put in writing to the program I worked hard to get into that I will no longer be pursuing my MBA.

Maybe it was all a big expensive mistake. Several people supported me, but several people questioned why I wanted an MBA. Personal enrichment, I said. Career advancement, perhaps, even though I was aware that the market was glutted with MBAs.

I was fairly energetic and excitable when I enrolled...was it a manic phase of my bipolar disorder? I don't know. How can you tell when you're living it?

Now working toward living an even-keeled kind of life, with the necessary routine of going to bed at 9:00 every night, I can't imagine being in the College program. Not when class goes until 9:30 and bedtime is at 9:00, not when I'd have to cram all night just to understand the texts.

With the exception of the economics class, I was pretty disappointed with the experience.

Still, it was very hard to give up, and extremely difficult to tell my boss.  I'd been putting off informing College because that just made it so, like, final.

It's time to put this to bed and I finally will.  So thanks, College, for sending the letter.

Don't steal my sunshine!

It's only Tuesday, but so far, the week's been pretty great. I started out thinking about sunshine and rainbows and how good things are right now.

That's a big improvement.

This morning I checked one of my Twitter accounts, one I hadn't logged onto in a month. The last thing I tweeted from it was something about what I would do if I had to pay more money in taxes.  It was in response to the White House asking...so I had honestly, naively, tweeted that when I pay more taxes, then I give up vacation, restaurants and home repairs. 

Maybe I didn't play right.

The replies to that tweet were flaming and I just read them, a month later. Uh-oh.

They said stuff like "Oh, poor baby!"  "Vacation? I haven't had a vacation in 10 years!" "Try buying fewer candles for your house!" "Looks like she should just drink less!" "At least you have a home!"  "Idiot!" "sounds like #whitegirlproblems." Shit like that.  It all upset me. Especially the candles comment. Why...

I really let them get to me.  I'm not thick-skinned at all. It ruined my day. I deleted the tweet. I felt ashamed.

I initially wanted to say I'm sorry I have a job and I take vacations and I have a house.

Wait - no, I'm not sorry.  I worked very hard for all these things. I pay whatever taxes I have to pay to support whatever programs need to be supported.  I'm an important part of this whole economic system at work. I keep contractors in business. And I'm well aware of the role luck plays in this equation.  I'm not ashamed of my life. I bought candles for the first time in years, so what?

I shouldn't have let them get me down, but I did, for a little while.

I'm never playing that game again. 

My Three Words

Taking another cue from Michelle over at Opinions for Nothing, I decided to come up with three words for 2013 that would provide a framework for my actions for the year. It's based on this but I have chosen to not delve into it that deeply and to go with a Cliff's Notes version.

Light

This is not about finding my inner light, or not hiding my light under a bushel basket, or running towards the light.

This is about two things.

One, I'd like to be light rather than heavy. I need to lose some weight again. I was starting to kick ass with a personal trainer at this time last year and I just stopped when my mental problems got really difficult. Two, I need light rather than darkness. Life got very dark in 2012 and I think I'm at the point where I have more control over what I see. I can't really articulate it more than that.

Flip

I started flipping after I got into it with my new therapist. Flipping my thinking. When I feel down about something, I think "Flip!" and I turn it upside down. "I hate life." Flip! "I'm grateful to have wonderful friends." A little dorky, because I actually do say the word "Flip!" to myself. This is a new practice I'll carry into the new year.

Just the mental motion of flipping helps, even if it's not related to the thing I'm down about.

Want

Want is a very important word. I want to focus on what I want to do rather than what I feel I should do. I give "the shoulds" a lot of power. "I should go to grad school for my MBA" was one should that didn't work out except to show me that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and to cross that off the life list.

Now when I'm asked what I want to do or be, I don't know how to answer the question.  But this year I want to think about what I want rather than beat myself up with what I think I should be doing.

Wait, I'll answer the want question right now. I want to live simply, I want to eat well, I want to feel safe and secure, I want to see light in my life.

Eventually, I'll know about other things I want.

Do you have a word, or three? 

Winter Vacation, day 11

If you got a box of pears for Christmas, here's a really good idea for them: pear martini. Marinate sliced pears in vodka. Puree pears, mix with vodka, shake in a cocktail shaker with ice, pour into glasses garnished with pear slices. It was delicious. I had three sips that did me in at the party last night.

Later in the evening, as predicted, I fell asleep on the couch next to a six year old. It was 1:00 am. The party this year was mellow and we ended up watching a lot of Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve. How did Jenny McCarthy keep her eyeshadow so perfect and what work has she had done on her face?

Our hosts made us a big brunch and we got back home mid-afternoon. The reality of the end of leisure is hitting me. This is my last day of lazy vacation.

Time to go pick up Chinese food for dinner.  I forgot to defrost the petite pork roast I have, so I'll cook that tomorrow and wish for good luck in 2013.

Winter Vacation, day 10

Day 10 already?  Booooo.

I was too tired to write yesterday. My dad drove me to visit my bestie from far away who was in the next state over visiting her family. The nervous energy from riding on the interstate, given my highway phobia, just does me in.  It's getting better, slowly, but still, it's annoying.

And tonight we'll hit the highway again to go to our traditional  New Year's Eve party where a bunch of us converge upon a friends' house, eat and drink and get merry, say goodbye to the old year and then sleep overnight.

I'm a little conflicted about partying given my bipolar disorder and its treatment. I can't really party so I'll be the tired girl drinking all the water and seeking out a quiet corner at some point during the later part of the evening. I may drink a beer, though, and definitely a sip of champagne at midnight.

First, however, we have discovered the source of a water leak in our basement. I'm partly glad because it doesn't seem that it's something really major like I had thought, but suddenly it's not a small event and we're waiting on the plumber to come over and rip up the place to solve the problem.

We always have plumbing problems during inconvenient times. Isn't that the way it usually goes?

Happy new year!

Winter Vacation, day 8

Snowed in by myself.

Postponed a trip to go see friends in New Jersey.

Drank a lot of coffee and finally read through the stack of magazines that had piled up. Breezed through some Vogues, Moneys, Entertainment Weeklys, and Real Simples. Now I have a short stack of tear sheets of books that I won't read, recipes I probably won't make, and recommended vacuum cleaners I won't buy.

Made a pot of popcorn on the stove.

Reflected on the show I saw last night, which included an on-stage marriage proposal. Sweet.

Decided I'm going to join Weight Watchers in the new year. It's been a while. I could use the boost.

Watched the football game that Salty D. went to, at Yankee Stadium.

Shoveled snow.

Winter Vacation, day 7

Oh, what happened to day 6? I was so busy with reading a great book (title to come) getting a makeover (photo to come) making an amazing meal from scratch (no sauces from a packet for me!) and going to a cocktail party (with a fabulous drink called The Snowflake!) that I just didn't have time to blog.

Let's get real. The highlight of my day yesterday was arriving 2.5 hours early to my hair appointment because I messed up my calendar. My therapist cancelled our appointment which is good since I screwed up the hair appointment. When I finally went to get the hair colored at the right time, I got some fun panels of red in it, then I went home and made a mediocre uninspired dinner of chicken and pasta.

So I skipped ahead until today. Tonight we're going to go see The Hold Steady, the tickets for which were one of my Hanukkah presents. Before we go, I've just been filling my day with boring errands and appointments.

 

Winter Vacation, day 5

Some people don't believe me when I say that I'm boring.  This post, however, will prove it.

Today was to begin with a breakfast with two friends, one of whom is my favorite independent bookseller.  But he ate too much figgy pudding yesterday and was too sick to meet up at a diner. Since I was up early anyway, I decided to go to the grocery store at the same time as all the senior citizens, to buy lentils. Had to do something with the ham bone mom gave me from the big ass ham, so I thought it would be a good day for a lentil ham soup.

Then I made a potholder.

You know, with one of those looms like you had as a kid in the 70's.  I got one for Christmas, so I used it.  It took me two freaking hours to make that potholder.  This is why I buy potholders. But it turned out pretty decent so I'll probably make another one.