blaugra

Liberated

There are so many books and blogs that talk about how to achieve your life goals and happiness, things you should do to make the world a better place, you know the stuff.

But me, I've decided to smash my to-do list into pieces.

These are the things that I noted in the past that I "should" do:

• Plant a vegetable garden
• Write a book
• Read a book
• Return to volunteering on three nonprofit boards
• Go to Costa Rica
• Ride my own motorcycle
• Become a Big Sister or mentor
• Learn algebra
• Drive across the country
• Get a master's degree in something
• Play the piano again

All good things. But, one by one, I have let go of each of them. Rather than being sad about letting go of things that might make me a better person, I feel liberated. I feel lighter. Unburdened.

Maybe this makes me a bad citizen of the world, to just let go of good goals and dreams. Maybe people will think I've given up.

I haven't given up on life or on myself. I've come back to believing in myself. But I need to clear out the clutter of those "shoulds."

I'm taking care of a few non-fun things right now. When those things are done, I'll see where the road leads. I can't do it all at once, I'm not Oprah. Maybe I won't have the luxury of time to see where the road leads. Maybe I ought to feel more urgency about a road trip or community service. Right now, I just want to let it go.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming

Last weekend after feeling a bit drained by media coverage of the Boston bombers terrorizing my friends' neighborhoods in Watertown, Salty D. and I ordered Chinese food and watched Finding Nemo.

Two grown ups, no kids around, quietly watching Finding Nemo.

It's a really good movie. I adopted Dory's "Just keep swimming" song this week as my own motto. In a world gone mad, just keep swimming.

This weekend promises to be full of excitement. Here's what's going on:

• Attending a Weight Watchers meeting
• Eating a lot of pizza after the meeting, because I have points left and I'm freaking hungry
• Watching the Duck Dynasty season finale
• Working on setting up my will
• Supervising my mentally deficient brother in his job as my landscaper
• Dragging shit to the compost center
• Shopping for cheap clothes that fit my changing body
• Eating at a Chipotle for the first time ever

Are you dazzled by these plans? Oh, there's even more fun on the schedule that will just have to stay offline.

It's good to have lists and get shit done, to just keep swimming.

Why I think Oprah 'should' suck it

I read an article in the New York Times a few months ago (I know, I'm really timely and relevant - but wait, I do have a point) about Oprah Winfrey being at a crossroads.

Well, maybe she's not, because after all, she's OPRAH. But her media empire is at a crossroads. Was. Whatever.

She's showing signs of strain and fear of failure. I don't feel sorry for her; she's a strong creative woman, she'll make it work.

Her magazine was floundering just a little bit. To solve the problem she, just like Martha Stewart, wants a younger audience. Women in their 20's and 30s. How's that going for you, Oprah?

Oprah wants to bring younger women aboard to shape their minds because we 40-somethings should have it all figured out by now.

She says she wants "to be able to reach people when they are looking to fulfill their destiny.” She added, “By the time you’re 40, 42, you should have kind of figured it out already.”

"should have kind of figured it out already?"

It's that word "should" that makes me crazy. Like it's one of Oprah's rules that I have it figured out. If I knew my destiny, I could fulfill it. Maybe I am fulfilling my destiny and I just don't realize it. But a "should" isn't going to make it happen. Maybe I should have read more issues of the magazine in my 30s.

I'm 45 and I haven't a clue as to my destiny or my life plan or what I want to be when I grow up. I don't have it even kind of figured out, already.

My Three Words

Taking another cue from Michelle over at Opinions for Nothing, I decided to come up with three words for 2013 that would provide a framework for my actions for the year. It's based on this but I have chosen to not delve into it that deeply and to go with a Cliff's Notes version.

Light

This is not about finding my inner light, or not hiding my light under a bushel basket, or running towards the light.

This is about two things.

One, I'd like to be light rather than heavy. I need to lose some weight again. I was starting to kick ass with a personal trainer at this time last year and I just stopped when my mental problems got really difficult. Two, I need light rather than darkness. Life got very dark in 2012 and I think I'm at the point where I have more control over what I see. I can't really articulate it more than that.

Flip

I started flipping after I got into it with my new therapist. Flipping my thinking. When I feel down about something, I think "Flip!" and I turn it upside down. "I hate life." Flip! "I'm grateful to have wonderful friends." A little dorky, because I actually do say the word "Flip!" to myself. This is a new practice I'll carry into the new year.

Just the mental motion of flipping helps, even if it's not related to the thing I'm down about.

Want

Want is a very important word. I want to focus on what I want to do rather than what I feel I should do. I give "the shoulds" a lot of power. "I should go to grad school for my MBA" was one should that didn't work out except to show me that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and to cross that off the life list.

Now when I'm asked what I want to do or be, I don't know how to answer the question.  But this year I want to think about what I want rather than beat myself up with what I think I should be doing.

Wait, I'll answer the want question right now. I want to live simply, I want to eat well, I want to feel safe and secure, I want to see light in my life.

Eventually, I'll know about other things I want.

Do you have a word, or three? 

Winter Vacation, day 1

I have 11 1/2 days off for the holidays. How will I spend them? 

I resolved to blog each day. Then you can see how boring life has become for a 40-something, married-with-no-kids, slightly mental woman.

First, on my half-day, I met with my financial adviser (dad) to update him on my retirement planning. Because at 40-something, if you're employed, you definitely need to do that. It's never easy thinking about it and planning my demise but I did it. 

Today, Saturday, is officially Day 1  of break. I started the day off right by waking up 4 hours later than normal, thereby throwing off my meds schedule and blowing off the gym. Way to go! But it's cold and windy outside.  Whine. 

I made red and green New Mexican chile sauces from the ground chile that my uncle just sent me from Santa Fe.  The brunch casserole I serve tomorrow to my friends can then be ordered up "Christmas."

I'm washing a new flannel duvet cover that I'm particularly excited about, especially since I got a great deal on it. It's wintry out, time for the big comforter.

Since friends are visiting tomorrow I am about to become a nervous white tornado in the house, up until the time we leave for dinner. We're meeting some other friends tonight at an Italian restaurant up in the hills of coal country. It's an annual tradition.

My Christmas presents are wrapped, but I'm thinking I may need to bake more cookies. My butt doesn't think so, but my brain does. I made these pistachio-white chocolate cookies last week. 

I'm now listening to Salty D. make a "mix" tape of every version of "Sweet Jane" that he has, including a cool one by Sweet.   Which is kind of fun to say, Sweet's Sweet Jane.

If you're you're on home holiday break, I'd love to hear what you're up to, too.

 

I'm obsessed with myself.

I'm obsessed with getting better, thereby putting way too much pressure on myself. Then I crack under the pressure.

I worry about everything. Here are examples of things I have worried about in the past 24 hours:

• What will happen to our country when there's nobody left to farm?
• Will we be paying $11 for a quart of half-n-half soon?
• Why is my left foot more calloused than my right?
• Should I give myself a pedicure before going to get a pedicure?
• How fucked up was that scene in Sons of Anarchy where Tig's daughter was burned to death in front of him and does that actually happen in real life?
• Is being dead going to be just like before we were alive?
• Why can't the republican party have a decent candidate who doesn't fuck up?
• What if I get diabetes?
• Who will take care of me when I'm old?
• Is my car running on empty? I forgot to check.
• What if that tree falls on my car?
• What if my front door falls off?
• What if we lose our jobs?
• Why can't I find pants that fit well?
• Are phones really going to be that tiny and transparent in the future, like in Weeds?
• Did the boots I just ordered get lost in the mail? No, I just ordered them, silly.
• Do I have to go to Scranton?
• Did I take my pills?
• Where are my pills?
• Why do my pills make me nauseous?
• Will my pills make my cholesterol go higher?
• Will I ever be fun again?
• When will I stop crying?
• Should I like this indie music today, because I really don't.

That's just a slice. I'm not making room in the brain for enough happy thoughts. Like, oh, this is a nice day. What a great episode. I love that book. I like eggs. I love you.

No. Instead those statements come out like "Today sucks." "That episode disturbed me."  "I can't focus enough to read a book." "Eggs nauseate me now." "How can you possibly love me back?"

I'm trying to train myself to say positive things every day. 

There are some happy things. Zumba. Iced Coffee. Fight Night. Indian food for lunch. Mango salsa with lots of cilantro. A therapist who can see me more often than every 7 weeks.

Blaugra's Summer List

Some friends have summer fun lists. What to do, what to read, where to go. These lists are great.  I  like reading them.

Here's my list.

1. Fucking relax. I don't mean be lazy I mean calm the fuck down.
2. Read a fuckin' book. Any book.
3. Take walks at 8:00 PM when it's still light outside, or get up with the fucking birds and take a cool dawn walk.
4. Drop the f-bomb even more. Except around fuckin' kids.

I'm dreaming of...

...a totally organized house.

Maybe I'm OCD on top of everything else, but I can't stand the clutter and random single socks and piles of papers in my home.

I dream of the junk man coming to take away random crap I find in the basement or the dreaded "spare room."

I long for a clean work surface upon which to write and clear my thoughts.

I wish for bigger closets to contain my shoe collection. (oops.) There's no room in a closet for my boots so often they're strewn across the bedroom floor, like I'm a messy teenager again. Where's my Duran Duran poster, while I'm at it?

What's keeping me from getting it done?  Partly it's because there's just too much stuff... stuff I may refer to on occasion or stuff I may use once a year. Or stuff that is sentimental. Stuff from my Grandma, my great aunt, my childhood -- stuff I'd let myself feel guilty for getting rid of, but I just can't keep it all. I have letters that I wrote to my parents when I lived abroad. I have all the cards my mom received from friends and family upon my birth. What do I do with this growing collection of stuff, no matter how cool it is to see? What if I find that missing sock?

Would my happiness of a cleaned out house outweigh the guilt? 

I often think, in my sometimes-depressive state, what happens when I die? Who would be stuck cleaning up all this stuff?  I don't want anyone to be stuck with it. At that point, it will all end up getting trashed anyway so why not trash it now?

Have you cleaned out and simplified?

p.s. I'm also dreaming of a time when I ask fewer questions on my blog.

Why I turn to the dogma of a drag queen

I just read the following two quotes:

"Whatever worldly joy there is arises from wishing for others' happiness" - Shantideva

"For people driven by faith, I remind us there is something faithful people have in common..." [I am not driven by faith, and this quote is one reason why. Because it separates the faithful from the unfaithful and can make people think that unfaithful people cannot act a certain way. Anyway,] "...and that's love for our neighbors. When we act in love for each other, we are living out the most authentic expression of our faith." - Luther Snow

 

It's really hard to wish others' happiness if you don't like the other person.

It's really hard to act in love for each other when you greatly, greatly dislike - whether or not you have faith in something greater than yourself.

It's really hard to do if you don't love yourself first.

I now shun those words of wisdom up there. The Shantideva quote has been in front of me for years and I read it, over and over, and it doesn't stick. It may as well be on an old Post-it note.

What I've learned, what I keep telling myself over and over, is that when we dislike something about someone, it's generally because we dislike that trait in ourselves. 

So if you're full of self-hatred and self-disrespect and self-flagellation, your capacity for love is diminished because you're just gonna dislike everything about everyone. I don't think an empty, self-hating person can really love thy neighbor.

OMG. This is like my freaking Oprah moment.

I have chosen to listen to RuPaul.

"If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else!"

Amen.

Because the zombie revolution is coming

Salty D. has decided to look into purchasing a gun. When I first heard this, I said, "Now why would you bring a gun into the home of a person with occasional suicidal tendencies?" It scared me.

Therefore part of our deal is that we would have a gun safe to which I do not have the key.

Unfortunately this also means that if D. is not home and we have a zombie home invasion, I would not be able to get to the gun. But, that's OK because I don't know if gunshots thwart zombies. I could probably use an axe to sever their heads instead.

Now he is looking into applying for a permit, because he's not aspiring to be an outlaw biker. These are some of the questions the application asks:

Of course that's almost illegible.

"Are you an individual who is an habitual drunkard...?"

"Is your character and reputation such that you would be likely to act in a manner dangerous to public safety?"

Now, what kind of idiot would answer "yes" to those questions? If they were that self-aware, they would probably just illegally carry.

This also scares me. Then again, I'm really naive.

I've never fired a gun before. I guess I'll add that to my life list.