TODAY I AM HAPPY.
I'm happy my drug cocktail is working.
I'm happy that it's a perfectly gorgeous June day.
I'm happy I'm not passing out at 6:30 each night, because June is the best month.
I'm happy I'm not crumbling under life's pressures.
I'm happy that I'm not suicidal.
For about a year, I've used this space mostly to chronicle the path of my bipolar disorder 2 storm. Maybe longer, I don't remember.
I've said that it's weird to feel a drug start to work in the brain, in little sparks. With this newest drug, however, it's been a smoother transition. More a gradual change that I barely noticed as it was happening over the past few months.
But, of course, there are those nasty side effects that I still weigh against the positive primary effects.
This new drug has compromised my vision. It's blurry. I can feel it blurring. I wear glasses, so I thought I'd just go to the eye doctor and get a new prescription. But the psychiatrist advised not to change anything, because the blurriness will keep evolving. It might get better, might get worse. Well THAT sounds fun. I'm going to seek another opinion from the eye doctor. Bummer, she says, straining to read the screen.
New drug also causes memory impairment. It's pretty fucking scary when you can't remember shit. Like, I woke up this morning and I had no idea what day it was, even after thinking about it for a while. Yesterday was Saturday, right? Am I taking mom and dad to the airport today or did that already happen? I had to check the calendar on my phone. Oh, Tuesday. I guess I should get up and go to work. I thought that only happened to old people in the nursing home. So I write down almost everything now.
Despite those side effects, among others, I'm happy.
I honestly believe this, and don't ask me to logically explain it because it's not logical: I believe the universe or a higher power is leading me to be healthier now because it's my turn to help people in my life. They've helped me, and they might need me soon, so I have to get completely well. I refuse to feel useless. This is my truth. It's driving me and it's good to have drive again.
It's scary, but I think I can cope.
TODAY I AM HAPPY.
And this is my favorite pop sensation guilty pleasure song right now, even though Xtina needs a deep conditioning treatment (that's OK girl, I do too.)