At a shopping center without my umbrella I escaped a torrential downpour by running into a Barnes & Noble. I decided to pass the time in the Psychology section and read through a few books on bipolar disorder.
I've never really concentrated enough to read for more than a few minutes about this condition I have. Which is kind of a dumb way to try to manage it, say?
I've grown wary of an overworked doctor* who keeps me waiting for an hour and hasn't offered a lot of information, and the weekly bipolar support group I went to a couple of times in that church basement is now too far away, and my new therapist is bringing up all kinds of questions and answers, and so I found myself buried in a couple of books.
It was a little painful. I could relate to some of the examples in the books, of Suzy who impulsively changed jobs or Jerry who self-medicated with booze or Amy who engaged in activities that put her relationships at risk. People who were misdiagnosed with regular depression and prescribed anti-depressants which caused a more depressed, even suicidal, state.
I remembered the time when I thought it was perfectly normal to bring a couple of strange actors home with me to stay in the house I share with my husband. Without asking him. The manic times when I felt I needed to squeeze too many hours of work into a day because I was full of focus and energy and ideas and indispensible. Ugh, too many other times I don't want to share.
Stop the remembering!
In the midst of the doldrums, I've tended to bury the memories of those "high times" when I was a hot mess. Bringing them back up was not as fun as living them the first time around, as I connected them to bipolar case studies in the Psychology aisle. Not that every bad decision was because of manic depression, but it certainly helped explain some of the behavior.
I guess it's a healing process.
Then the pouring rain stopped and the sun came out and somewhere, I just know it, a rainbow stretched from the sky just like on that one book cover. I shelved the books and hightailed it out of the store without buying a thing and walked to the food market for some Halloween cookies and hamburger.
P.S. This page is really good.
* Apparently there's a crisis in Pennsylvania where our state can't hold onto its psychiatrists and I've been told I'm lucky to even get in to see mine. Truth? Bible? Legit? I don't know yet.
Explain that you're there for your loved one no matter what - that he or she can call you at any day or night.
Me, me, pick me!
Posted by: Kristin | 04 October 2012 at 09:58 AM
You're it! :)
Posted by: blaugra | 05 October 2012 at 02:17 PM
I love your posts. They really help me. You are relatable and functioning and not defined by the cards you have been dealt. Big hugs and thank you for sharing.
Posted by: drolf | 17 October 2012 at 02:12 PM
drolf, thanks so much for your comment and for the big hugs! I'm glad the posts help you. They sure help me. Thanks for relating.
Posted by: blaugra | 24 October 2012 at 10:46 AM