At a shopping center without my umbrella I escaped a torrential downpour by running into a Barnes & Noble. I decided to pass the time in the Psychology section and read through a few books on bipolar disorder.
I've never really concentrated enough to read for more than a few minutes about this condition I have. Which is kind of a dumb way to try to manage it, say?
I've grown wary of an overworked doctor* who keeps me waiting for an hour and hasn't offered a lot of information, and the weekly bipolar support group I went to a couple of times in that church basement is now too far away, and my new therapist is bringing up all kinds of questions and answers, and so I found myself buried in a couple of books.
It was a little painful. I could relate to some of the examples in the books, of Suzy who impulsively changed jobs or Jerry who self-medicated with booze or Amy who engaged in activities that put her relationships at risk. People who were misdiagnosed with regular depression and prescribed anti-depressants which caused a more depressed, even suicidal, state.
I remembered the time when I thought it was perfectly normal to bring a couple of strange actors home with me to stay in the house I share with my husband. Without asking him. The manic times when I felt I needed to squeeze too many hours of work into a day because I was full of focus and energy and ideas and indispensible. Ugh, too many other times I don't want to share.
Stop the remembering!
In the midst of the doldrums, I've tended to bury the memories of those "high times" when I was a hot mess. Bringing them back up was not as fun as living them the first time around, as I connected them to bipolar case studies in the Psychology aisle. Not that every bad decision was because of manic depression, but it certainly helped explain some of the behavior.
I guess it's a healing process.
Then the pouring rain stopped and the sun came out and somewhere, I just know it, a rainbow stretched from the sky just like on that one book cover. I shelved the books and hightailed it out of the store without buying a thing and walked to the food market for some Halloween cookies and hamburger.
* Apparently there's a crisis in Pennsylvania where our state can't hold onto its psychiatrists and I've been told I'm lucky to even get in to see mine. Truth? Bible? Legit? I don't know yet.