- 2 months without a drink
- 2 drug changes
- 1 night in a hospital
- 24: the number of times I've said "ZOMG these drugs make me so nauseous"
- 24: the number of times I've whined about not drinking
- 3: the number of months I avoided riding in a car on a major interstate highway
- Countless: tears
- I forgot to count: visits to my psych doctor during the past year
- Weekly: visits to the therapist lately
I wish I had recognized sooner that I would benefit so much from getting the new better therapist. But when you're low, how do you know?
A friend asked me, "Do you lie on a couch with her sitting behind you and you just talk?" Like I'm in a New Yorker cartoon or a Woody Allen movie.
"I don't lie down, although there is a couch in the room," I replied. It's actually a lot of work but with this therapist it goes smoother and she says helpful revelatory things and I take notes so I can remember. And I don't have to rehash childhood memories, thank God.
Some people think that depression is a state of being unhappy. For me, that's not it. I can feel happy while being depressed. I can laugh.
Depression for me is darkness and extreme fear and a real physical pain and downward spiral. And feeling the lowest of lows.
The spiral is starting to move upward. It's a long strange trip.