I'm obsessed with getting better, thereby putting way too much pressure on myself. Then I crack under the pressure.
I worry about everything. Here are examples of things I have worried about in the past 24 hours:
- What will happen to our country when there's nobody left to farm?
- Will we be paying $11 for a quart of half-n-half soon?
- Why is my left foot more calloused than my right?
- Should I give myself a pedicure before going to get a pedicure?
- How fucked up was that scene in Sons of Anarchy where Tig's daughter was burned to death in front of him and does that actually happen in real life?
- Is being dead going to be just like before we were alive?
- Why can't the republican party have a decent candidate who doesn't fuck up?
- What if I get diabetes?
- Who will take care of me when I'm old?
- Is my car running on empty? I forgot to check.
- What if that tree falls on my car?
- What if my front door falls off?
- What if we lose our jobs?
- Why can't I find pants that fit well?
- Are phones really going to be that tiny and transparent in the future, like in Weeds?
- Did the boots I just ordered get lost in the mail? No, I just ordered them, silly.
- Do I have to go to Scranton?
- Did I take my pills?
- Where are my pills?
- Why do my pills make me nauseous?
- Will my pills make my cholesterol go higher?
- Will I ever be fun again?
- When will I stop crying?
- Should I like this indie music today, because I really don't.
That's just a slice. I'm not making room in the brain for enough happy thoughts. Like, oh, this is a nice day. What a great episode. I love that book. I like eggs. I love you.
No. Instead those statements come out like "Today sucks." "That episode disturbed me." "I can't focus enough to read a book." "Eggs nauseate me now." "How can you possibly love me back?"
I'm trying to train myself to say positive things every day.
There are some happy things. Zumba. Iced Coffee. Fight Night. Indian food for lunch. Mango salsa with lots of cilantro. A therapist who can see me more often than every 7 weeks.