Meanwhile, back at the psychiatrist's office...
I was talking about a problem with my psych doctor and I said "I do this... isn't that crazy?"
And he replied, "Yes. It is crazy."
Usually I think saying crazy in a shrink's office is kind of funny. Like the one time he remarked that his schedule was really crazy.
But this time I couldn't tell if he was kidding or not.
You see, the problem I was discussing was a certain extreme fear I've developed over the past few months.
Part of the reason I'm afraid is because, well, I'm just flat out terrified. I lack confidence in myself, in how I'd react in certain situations.
I'm "managing" this fear in four different ways.
- Avoidance. I stay away from the situation that may scare me, because I can stay away from it if I try really hard.
- Visualization. I imagine being calm and successful in the situation.
- Terror. I imagine failing miserably in the situation and dying.
- Self-flagellation. I tell myself that I'm a big fat loser for feeling the way I do then I beat myself up some more.
This just isn't working out well. I wish the second way would be effective. That's the way I'd like it.
I mean, I visualize all the time. The visuals trot along very nicely with soothing music in the background and happy flowers waving at me from the sideline, and usually end in a horrendous fiery mess not unlike a bad Gwar video.
The doctor said, "Yeah, there's no pill I can give you for this. You have to take the first step."
"I don't want another pill. And I've tried to take that step, I just can't. I won't. I go out of my way to avoid situations where I'd feel this way. I guess I should see the counselor again to work through it?"
He looked at me over the top of his glasses, "Yes. That would be a good thing for you to do, definitely."
Because you're too crazy to function, and you're missing out just because you're afraid. That's what I heard even though it wasn't spoken.
I'm not sure what to say, other than I'm hear if you need me.
Posted by: KtP | 11 February 2012 at 08:38 PM