Ohmigod you guys, has this been a shitty winter. Everything is fine, just fine, except for my insides. But, I think I'm rising out of the trough which means I can express this more clearly.
Depression and anxiety suck so hard.
Meanwhile, back at the psychotherapist's office...
I learned that my suddenly developed phobia is not unusual at all. This made me feel less freakish. The therapist gave me a few tools to quell the anxiety that is causing the intense fear. If I treat it like an illness, which it is, I think it will get all better. See that? Positive thinking already. Oh, my stars.
One of the things I have to practice, said Emily the therapist, is mindfulness.
I'm not living in the now, at all. I've been in a very dark bleak future place for a while. A gray path lined with thorny brambles and ugly twisted sculptures of scorched metal. Not at all like I once pictured the future (see: the Jetsons.) I mean, I'm still there. I now feel like there's a light coming up on the path.
Here's one of the mindfulness tools Emily gave me to bring me to the now. I am providing this bought-and-paid-for advice to you. (which you can get anywhere on the internets.)
Hold an ice cube in your hand. Watch it melt. Concentrate on it melting.
Observe everything about the cube and how it's melting in your hand.
There's your mindfulness.
Have I tried it? No, not yet. I have to give it a shot. I also need to breathe.
Meanwhile, back at the personal trainer's office...
After some absence from Amanda the perky trainer, I decided that she was worth it. I set up an appointment.
My anxiety ramped up in anticipation of reuniting with her and her hellacious workouts. I haven't pushed myself in a while, and I've had really low energy. My evenings have mostly been spent looking forward to going back to sleep. I popped a Lorazepam and went to Amanda. We had some time off the gym floor when I could tell her how crappy I thought I have been. She asked, "What do you need from me? Besides a Kleenex right now?"
I said, "I need a pep talk and a good workout." And that's what she did. But not before she assigned a non-exercise related activity as homework during Lent (which I don't observe but it's a good timeframe in which to make a change.)
"Get a jar, and every time you think a negative thought, put a quarter in it." I nodded my head like an 8-year-old. OK, I'll do that.
I'll put a quarter in the jar and then grab an ice cube.
Anyway, I'll leave you with this song from the current playlist. Yeah, a part of it is in that car commercial, but the song in its entirety is stunning.