My family is waiting for my aunt to die. This is my aunt who said she had no regrets, and she has had quite a celebratory and profound end-of-life experience. She is ready to go. But her body, or certain forces of nature, are not cooperating.
Now people wait by her bedside for her to die. I don't feel anything about this except some anticipation. No sadness. Well, I do have some sympathy for those who have endured this path with the aunt.
My mother wants to know if I can schedule the trip to New York for the memorial service.
The aunt is about a 5-hour drive away. Mom is concerned that I won't be able to get a hotel room. "So what do you think about reserving a room now to make sure the motels aren't sold out?"
We don't know when my aunt's body is going to make this happen.
Making motel room reservations (for some reason hotels in that region are called "motels" by my family even though they're like, Holiday Inns) is a feeble attempt to control the situation and we can't really control this because that would be wrong. Even though my aunt asked everyone to "move things along quickly" her demise is not happening quickly enough for the family. I'm starting to think it shouldn't be illegal to follow someone's dying wish to be released from her body in a faster, humane way.
It's starting to get absurd.
That's right, I'm finding dying of cancer absurd - but only because I'm not there. I'm not taxed each day by waiting by her side with the burden of "Any minute now...it could happen any minute..." which I can only imagine must be a horrible anxiety. I'm just watching it happen long-distance and seeing it take a toll on my mother.
Perhaps this post is like a prayer that her end will come soon. This is the first time I have ever hoped for someone's death. Wait - that's not true - but that's a story for another time. Unless I am struck down first for my insensitivity.
So I pray to a higher being, or you can call it meditation, visualization, hope, whatever. I think the action of focusing and quietly meditating or praying works to make me feel better about an outcome.
This is the first time I've ever used the blog like a prayer.