You know when you realize that all this weird shit that's been happening to your body really meant something? Like months of whack fatigue that I just attributed to winter so I drank more coffee. Or absolutely starving for big plates of carbs which I attributed to depression so I ate more bread. Or feeling hungry but not wanting to eat which... I thought was pretty amazing, actually.
I thought nothing of any of this because what am I going to do, call a doctor and say "I'm tired and hungry." Who isn't?
It's likely I have a peptic ulcer, I discovered yesterday, and I've been feeding and nurturing it for months. Of course I panicked. All I could think of was I HAVE STOMACH CANCER AND I'M GOING TO DIE WITHOUT ACCOMPLISHING ENOUGH. And then the doctor wanted to treat me for high blood pressure too.
I calmed down and became more practical. I decided, if that ulcer shows up on the little screen at my test, I will name it Madonna. And why is that, Blaugra? Well I will tell you now.
I wanted to give it a name that represents something that annoys me so much now and that needs to go away. Really, because, did you see her on The Marriage Ref? Shut it. But also, Madonna has been a transforming force.
An ulcer is a wakeup call.
I've had several of these calls and each time I say "OMG This is my wakeup call!" and sometimes I don't even answer the call and when I do I usually go back to my bad habits like that time I took up T'ai Chi to reduce stress and lasted through two classes and blew off the third to go out drinking and then never did cared about T'ai Chi again.
I haven't been able to even look at food without feeling nauseous lately. I made Salty D. turn off the Food Network because I thought I was going to boot at the very sight of chicken wings.
Until Madonna goes away, I will have to pass on some of my favorite things. Like:
- Thai red curry
- Red spaghetti sauce
- Hot peppers
- Fresh tomatoes
- Diet Coke
Basically everything on my grocery list. WHAT THE FUCK.
You mean I have to eat a totally healthy whole-food diet? Are you kidding me?! I guess I can handle that, but I need me some spice and tomatoes and for the love of God, gin and tonics with lime in the springtime! Oh, Madge.
Have you ever had an ulcer in the belly?