blaugra

What if...

Notice on The List, scrawled at the bottom it says:

 

"Clean Up Watertown"

This was not a planned eco-action activity but it had to be recorded.

One sunny day, we decided to go for a walk - that's me, girlie friend, Lightning Red, Big Blue and the daddy - around their neighborhood.

Almost 4-year-old Lightning Red proclaimed, loudly, at the start of our walk:

 "WE'RE CLEANING UP WATERTOWN!!!"

And he proceeded to lead us in picking up every little bit of trash on the block.  His little brother Big Blue followed in his footsteps and then worked hard to make his own dent in litter that had been tossed around by the wind all week.  The grown-ups, we just followed along.  The mommy was holding the trash bags.

These kids were sticklers.  No smooshed kleenex or cigarette filter went untouched, no matter how hard the grown-ups tried to restrain them from touching things we thought were gross.  The entire block was cleansed of plastic bottles, pink feathers from either a bachelorette's boa or misguided flamingo, and empty booze bottles.

Lightning Red led on with his battle cry:  "CLEAN UP WATERTOWN!"  

Neighbors who noticed the kids scampering around their landscapes smiled and waved.  As an adopted auntie, even I was beaming with pride.  And I've never had such fun pickin' up the trash.

No need to think "what if..."  These kids are showing us our future. 

Wormy

I totally panicked that my computer got the wackadoo worm that is scheduled to attack everyone tomorrow, or at least, every morning news reporter who thinks it's a story bigger than The Economy or Fargo or Israel or that new Paul Rudd movie, because I totally crashed it while trying to upload photos to support The List below.

So instead I thought I'd get all bloggy up in American Idol.  Tonite's theme:  iTunes top 100 songs. 

Now, is this top 100 the current?  If they get to select from the current top 100, then I predict some really juicy performances tonight.  My problem is that I don't know all of the top 100 songs because I don't listen to Hannah Montana or Lil Wayne regularly.  But I will give you predictions just the same.

Post show:  Obviously, I got it wrong. Just top 100 since the beginning of iTunes?  What a great catalog to select from...ummm....

The List.

Whenever I hang out with my girlie friend, we have some kind of fun agenda. 

Fun to us is, like, museums, eating, looking at cool buildings and people and stuff, shoe shopping, napping in the sun, and giggling for no apparent reason.

But we always have some kind of list of big things and small things that strike our fancy wherever we are - in the Berkshires, in the Big Apple, in Boston.  So, this was our list for last weekend. 

Girlie friend's husband said, "The List is TYPED?"  Yah, The List is typed, how else do I cut and paste from websites to The List? 

One of the rules of The List is that it can change at any time, as there are always more and better options.  I will elaborate on some of The List items, with visual aids, in the very near future.

 

Bacon Grease

After my consternation and babbling about Earth Hour, where I went so far as to put two badges on the post below to make it look all cool and like I was really committed to the cause, I totally forgot about it on Saturday night.  I even wrote to city hall in my town last week to ask them to turn off this giant  attraction with like 16000 incandescent light bulbs burning all year 'round, on top of our "mountain" (actually, really big hill.)   Totally and completely forgot. 

In my defense, I was doped up on Nyquil which seems to take about 24 hours to leave my system.  The best cure for sickness along with Nyquil and soup is to watch at least two Law & Order episodes while covered with a Hello Kitty fleece blankie.  It worked.

Yesterday at the coffee shop I was talking about movies with my doppelganger (we both showed up at work wearing black CBGB t-shirts - dork alert!  It wasn't even my t-shirt, just one I grabbed from Salty D's clean laundry basket) we were swooning over Tommy Lee Jones and how we think he's a hot older man. 

The shop owner heard our conversation and said something like, "Ew! Are you kidding me?" 

"No, I'm not kidding," I said, "I also totally dig Harvey Keitel, Christopher Walken..." 

"Is it a bad complexion thing?" he asked.

 "Ummm...NO!   - oh!  Ray Liotta too.  Yeah, you're right, it must be a bad complexion thing."

The skies turned that creepy green color they get when there are tornadoes and hailstorms happening around us and we watched ping-pong (oh sorry, I mean, table tennis) balls drop from the sky.

I watched Jim Gaffigan's new King Baby and even though I didn't laugh-until-I-cried like when he does the Hot Pockets bit, it was a solid hour of giggles.  And, he's brilliantly using Twitter and Facebook to ramp up his fans - that was actually the first place I heard about the new material.  Now I'll never think about bacon or bowling the same way again - not that my opinions of bowling differed at all from his, I just won't be able to get him out of my head next time I bowl, whenever that will be.

A couple of girl-friends wanted to start up a bowling league of their own.  One of the girls' husbands is on this exclusive gay all-guy league so in retaliation she wants to start her own.  So far we have three girls and a guy who are going to bowl.   First the girls said "every Tuesday night." and I was like ARE YOU CRAZY?  Let's shoot for once or twice a month. 

That was two months ago and we haven't bowled yet, mostly because we can't come up with a name for our league and nobody has the time to coordinate which lanes to visit.  If you can help with that I'd sure appreciate it.

S-A-T-U-R- D-A-Y NIGHT 8:30-9:30 ! Turn out the lights, Turn out the lights

I get it, I really do.  But I don't get it. 

If I'm constantly running a refrigerator, heat, computer, and the old blinking VCR clock, then wouldn't it make sense to unplug all of that stuff on a regular basis (maybe not the fridge...) instead of just out'ning the lights for an hour tomorrow?  Plus, what I'll probably do is turn out the lights at home and then go somewhere where there is plentiful electricity, like Bingo at the Republican Club.

Then, the Earth Hour activities include blogging, videoing, posting your Earth Hour experience.  So, don't tweet for one hour, and film yourself doing stuff, and then at 9:30 get back online using electricity and post like crazy in a big surge.  That's just silly.

But I do get it, and I like how it's calling attention to the big issue of global warming.  Last year it was illuminating yet confusing saying stuff like we can decrease our one-day energy use by 10% by turning off lights for an hour, temporarily decreasing carbon emissions.

But today, I don't get this:  "This year, Earth Hour has been transformed into the world’s first global election, between Earth and global warming."

So, if I go to a brightly lit bingo hall or movie theatre, whose lights are not going to dim, then we're all voting for global warming.  But if I sit home in the dark, I'm voting for the Earth.  Who's counting the ballots?  And if you decide to be all natureboy, make a bonfire and dance around it and pretend you're at Burning Man, you know you're generating carbon that way, too.

The Golden Gate Bridge and the Empire State Building will go dark, which is amazing.  I just hope people don't start looting in the darkness. 

OK, OK, I get that it's about the symbolism and keeping up the awareness, so that Global Warming eclipses The Economy and The War in our minds for a moment.  I buy that.

 

Dis

The guy who stopped by earlier to say that we were patronizing people with disabilities kind of chapped my bum.  I liked Scott "Blind Guy's" voice on Idol...a few weeks ago.  Now he's stinky like that old chicken in my fridge.  Dude's gotta go.  Compared to the other contestants ringing their big bells, his voice is a thin little wind chime.  I wish he were better because I like when people with disabilities are really really so good at something that you don't even see the "disability" label.

I think all the American Idol contestants have disabilities. Well, all of us, we each have at least one big disability that we need to figure out how to work around, go beyond, hide or highlight.  I kind of hate that word disability.  And I tell ya, I realllly hate when people want to say "disabled" but instead say, "differently abled" or "not typically abled."  Because it takes too long to say all of that stuff.  I also hate that "disability" is this big general pot that you can throw deaf or armless or autistic or schizophrenic people in all together, and then the rest of us without obvious disabilities are looking into the pot trying to figure out how to talk to everyone correctly.

I saw my new idol Aimee Mullins talking more last night about how to not only overcome our physical or mental disabilities but to use them as a strength.  I was so inspired, again, that I turned into Paula Abdul:  In the rear of the auditorium I jumped up from my seat and gave Aimee a standing O as she walked off the stage. Then I looked around and saw everyone else politely applauding from their chairs.  I was the only one about of 400 people on my feet.  I may as well have had a crayon-drawn mustache across my face.

Blammogram

I'm not sure what I was drinking when I scheduled my mammogram for 8:00 am on a Monday following a late Sunday night return home after flying and driving.

I showed up at the mammogram appointment just slightly late. I had remembered to wash my hair today - but other than that I was a mess. I wore black leggings with tall boots and a tunic dress because it was on top of the clean laundry pile. The leggings apparently have worn out their welcome on my thighs and are sporting some rips and holes in the crotch area that I don't think anyone saw but me, when it was too late.  My feet are sore from power-walking the airport so I'm not sure why I wore high heeled boots.  The ultimate wardrobe faux pas, though, was the little capelet cover-up I had to change into for the topless test.

This was my first time at a new testing facility.  At the old one, we wore full, opaque blue, knee-length hospital gowns.  At this one, just a little flimsy capelet.

Here I am, uncaffeinated, looking like a bloated Olivia Newton-John from Grease.  Just lettin' it all hang out in the communal waiting room with the other ladies, quietly pretending to contemplate the pink ribbon messages plastered on the walls. 

In the old place we had our own private little waiting rooms.  But here it's barely-concealed boobs and bellies on parade, and the atmosphere is not nearly as festive as a mardi gras.  They should have a stripper's pole in here, I think.  That would break the ice and allow us to really work the costumes.  Instead we nervously wait in the corral for our name to be called and then walk down the hall wearing nothing more than a jumbo coffee filter.

In all seriousness, it's fabulous that my embarassment was the only painful or traumatic aspect of this year's mammogram.  I'll take early detection + fashion emergency any day over cancer

I wish all women were so lucky. 

I really don't know any German.

My German blood is really kicking in. I have packed so efficiently for my flight to Boston, I have astounded myself.  Achtung.

The other night, I was staring at a pile of clean laundry and I mused to myself, "I don't know what to paaaaaaaaack.  It's weird in-between-season weather."

Salty D. heard me and said, "How about - black leggings, black turtleneck, black tshirt, black boots?"  Because that's what I always pack just because it's easy.  Hell, that's pretty much what I wear all the time anyway. I still thought it was funny that he was giving me fashion advice.

I'm very excited to visit BFF's family. 

Here is a photo of what we'll be doing together:

Because, you know, washing cars in suburbia is so totally fun. 

Aaah, I love retro flashbacks.

OMG, look how skinny my arms are!!!  And almost freakishly long! I look like I have Nightmare Before Christmas arms.

No, we won't be doing this. I kid. We have a list of options of many enjoyable activities from which we will select a few and complete them.  Gesundheit.

Girl, Inspired

I am obsessed with two people now.  Russell Brand (more about him later on) and Aimee Mullins.

Aimee = actor/athlete/speaker/model/gorgeous person. 

She's from Allentown, so, BONUS! she's my homegirl. 

Aimee's speaking at an event next week.  She was recently at TED and hers is one of the most inspiring talks, to me.  Oh, and, she is without lower legs.

The event where she's speaking benefits an organization helps people with disabilities.  But, Aimee's  not a spokeswoman for people with disabilities.  After all, she's a champion, she works the runway, hits the big name film fest circuit, she has fabulous shoes, and she can be whatever height she wants.  How are those disabilities?  I mean, shit!  

Imagine having the perfect size 8 foot!  Imagine deciding if you want to be 6 feet today, or not. Imagine running like a cheetah.  Imagine running the Women's Sports Foundation. She has turned the absence of legs into a superpower. What a strong woman!  I'm totally inspired.

   

Watch her TED video and you'll see what I mean.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

I was driving to my favorite Wawa, following a sedan that was following an SUV with just six inches between their bumpers.  Even in my groggy Monday morning state, I was like, WTF is up with this car in front of me, that broad is gonna rear-end the SUV. Does she need coffee badly also?

I parked my car and rounded the corner just in time to see the driver of the car leap out and attack the passenger of the SUV.  Two girls, both with bleached blonde hair throwing mad punches in the parking lot. 

Ummmmm, do I do anything? 

I walked into the crowded Wawa. Usually there are cops inside, kibbitzing near the coffee.  So I announced, "ARE THERE ANY POLICE IN HERE?  THERE'S A FIGHT IN THE PARKING LOT!"

The cashier rolled her eyes.  "Erv, there's a fight in the parking lot, you might want to check it out."  No police by the coffee buffet.  The line of people at the register were all, "What's going on?  A fight?!" and they went to the windows to check it out. 

I realized then that I was in the position of ringmaster.  "Yeah!  A fight!"

We watched the blonde hair flying and the cell phones breaking and the muffin tops being flashed as shirts were grabbed and pulled.  A skinny guy, the driver of the SUV, was trying to break up the fight.  The women were brawling over him.

"You're DEAD, BITCH!"  I heard one of the ladies proclaim as the guy tried to pull them apart.

Did I just walk into an episode of Rock of Love?

I quietly asked, "Is anyone gonna call the cops or do something?"  I was getting a little concerned.  The ringmaster power trip had worn off.  The girls were really hitting, not just pulling hair and screaming.  Plus, wasn't that a death threat?  Plus, they were blocking traffic.

The people inside the shop were chuckling.  "Lookit those girls go!"  "Why would they fight over HIM?"  "Looks like they broke each other's cell phones - ooooooh."  "Cat fight!"

"Erv!  Go 'n' get those idiots outta here, they're blocking our customers!" yelled the cashier and everyone shook their heads and laughed.

Yeah, I know two white trash skanks fighting over a dopey guy can be the stuff of comedy on TV or in the wrestling pit.  But what if one of the skanks was armed in the parking lot?  What if one of the skanks  drops an anvil on the guy's head while he's sleeping?   We're kind of jaded and complacent.  What if the fight were between two guys?  I'd bet that would be a totally different reaction.

I did next to nothing about it but I was rattled out of my Monday morning coma.  Like a South Park episode that gets all moralistic at the end, I have to do the same.  This is the #1 cause of homicides, jealousy between partners. It could be the start of relationship violence between the guy and one of the women.  It could end badly. 

Do we care, or just say, "That's ridiculous," and get our coffee and leave?